March 27, 2017
I Beat up a Squirrel with a Vanity Fair Magazine
I beat up a squirrel with a Vanity Fair Magazine the other day. It fell down the chimney into our fireplace and immediately jumped onto the protective screen trying to get out of there. The poor squirrel was just going nuts trying to get through the screen and I wanted to help it get away from the fire but he was scratching and clawing and biting and... we don't allow that in the house. So I hit the screen with a rolled up Vanity Fair in the hopes it would realize escape was impossible and it should calm down and then I could guide it out of the house. Well, let me tell you this-- squirrels fear fire much more than they fear a skinny guy with a magazine. So the squirrel keeps chewing and tearing and tearing at the screen. Finally, it busts through the fireplace screen and then tries to bite me, like, all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy.

The gray terror went bounding through the house like it knew the place (very disconcerting), into the back bedroom and started climbing up the blinds, like a hyper-active child going up the down escalator. So I closed the bedroom door and thought I'd just let the poor thing settle down while I thought about what to do.

While I waited I started looking through the phone book thinking maybe they had something on squirrels in the house in that "Handy Hints" section in the front. Well, they didn't but I looked in the Yellow pages and found a company called Critter Control.

They said the squirrel removal fee was $135 and I thought, my God, this is serious. They must have traps and knockout gas or tiny squirrel stun guns so they can capture the little thing and take it outside and rehabilitate it ("Squirrels stay outside... look, this is where the nuts are"). So I asked the guy, "Why does it cost so much?" He said, "Rabies and all that stuff." I said, "Come on out Critter Control."

So for $135 I'm expecting guys in Critter Control jump suits to invade like a SWAT team, but instead two guys drive up in their own car wearing T-shirts from the bar that they hang out at (the "Shiny Object Tavern"). The only equipment they had was a fishing net and appeared to be drunk. My $135 bought two beer-soaked guys with a fishing net.

So the one guy walks into the bedroom while the other guy just stood in the dining room and laughed at me. About twenty seconds later the first guy comes out of the bedroom with the squirrel in the net and says to me "Is this the one?" I said, "Yes, that's the gray terror that was much more... threatening... earlier, yes. Good job gentlemen."

What's my point? You may think squirrels are cute and adorable in the park. But once they're in the house they're nothing more than acrobatic, vicious, outdoor rats. Don't go through what I've gone through!! Get yourself a net and be prepared to face the Gray Terror!!!