I Want to Be Your King
I have the answers to our current political problems, a way to end the gridlock, the partisanship, the special interest influence. The solution is this make me your King. I m serious. No joke. I want to be the King of America. Just for a month. I will return the United States to a democratic, representative form of government, after I ve fixed things.
The Democrats and Republicans are so at odds with one another a King, with omnipotent power, is the only way to fix America overnight. So all of you now, Hail King Tim. I m serious. As your King, I wouldn t have to worry about the NRA or the AMA or the PTA or the CIA or the NBA. I would just give the royal command to fix things. If those that opposed the crown resisted I would send in the King s men and My will would be done.
And why King Tim? Why not King you? Well, I thought of it first. And secondly, I trust me. I don t know you.
The first royal command I would give is no more astro -turf. Take it out. Find a way to grow grass indoors or take the roof off the dome because astro - turf is gone. I know astro -turf is not a big problem but getting rid of it is just so righteous. Then, no more Star Wars space-based weapons system, no more subsidies for tobacco farms or Lawrence Welk museums, no more $640 toilet seats, no more tax breaks for the rich, no more free rides for the poor. The only gun you can take out of the house is a shotgun or a hunting rifle, and if that gun is out of the case and there isn t a duck or a deer real close by, you ll never see the outside of the King s prison. There will be more schools, more teachers and more time spent in school. Beef and ice cream will once again be healthy. I m not sure how we ll do that, but I ll put the full force of the government behind it. And if they don t do it on their own, I will put the Chicago Cubs in the World Series. I won t fix the Series, but I will put the Cubs in the Fall Classic. Seriously, I want to be your King.