April 28, 2017
She Likes to Feed the Elephant
How should you react when your mother-in-law tells you a dirty story? She's a surgical nurse and recently told me one of the weirdest things she ever witnessed was a man who came to see a urologist because he had trouble urinating. The doctor inserted a scope up into the man's urinary tract and saw a peanut. My mother-in-law didn't say what type of peanut but I assume it wasn't a walnut, filbert or pecan because of the size or a cashew because of the shape. I am sure the legume in question was the standard, round, small peanut. I also assume it was unsalted and de-shelled.

Anyway, according to my mother-in-law, the doctor looked into the scope and said, "Sir, unless I'm crazy, you have a peanut in your urinary tract." And the man said, "Ummmm..., yes..., well, my wife likes to play a game called 'feed the elephant.'"

As my mother-in-law finished the story, for a split second I thought, "If I laugh, she will think I approve of and perhaps even desire bizarre sex acts with her daughter. Maybe, under the guise of telling me a funny story, she is actually trying to see if her daughter married a pervert." For a moment I didn't know what to do or think but everybody else was laughing so I relaxed and said, "I don't know how you win the 'feed the elephant' game but it looks like his wife scored at least one point."

What's my point? We Catholics are way too uptight. I haven't been to church in over 20 years and I still had to think whether or not to laugh at that story. And so I'd like to thank Ken Starr for bringing the previously un-spoken topics of... well, you know... into the public arena. It makes it a lot easier for me to respond to my Mother-in-law's jokes and stories knowing I am not the first person to mention... all that stuff... in their house.