October 17, 2017
Women with Beards on My Paper Route
When I was nine years old, I had a Sunday morning paper route and one of my customers was a woman with a beard. I m not talking about a spotty goatee, wispy sideburns and no connecting parts. This woman, Mrs. Berman, had a full Z.Z. Top, Jerry Garcia, Sebastian Cabot-style beard.

If you re thinking she must have been a hairy transvestite, you re wrong because she and her husband had hairy kids that looked just like her. Apparently Mrs. Berman never left the house because we never saw her around the neighborhood, so when I delivered their paper for the first time I was blown away. I knocked and a woman with a beard opened the door. Like in a cartoon, my eyes bugged way out of my head and my jaw dropped. I just stood there agog, holding out a Milwaukee Journal. Instead of being insulted or angry, Mrs. Berman did the most generous thing - she smiled warmly and said Hello, which made me feel my bug-eyed reaction to her beard was O.K.

A few months later we moved to another town and I got another paper route, and on it was another woman with a beard. What are the odds of that? Her s was not as full and attractive a beard as Mrs. Berman s but a beard nonetheless. Two paper routes, two women with beards. The only reason boys get paper routes is in the hope of seeing a housewife naked so imagine my frustration, considering, the only out-of-the- ordinary things I ever saw was three drunk guys, two women with beards and a bald cocker spaniel. This is the kind of luck I ve had all my life.

The moral of the story is this if you re a paper boy (or in any of the various delivery industries) and you meet up with a woman with a beard, it s been my experience you ll get a decent tip if you learn to smile back when they smile at you.