December 15, 2017
Golf courses and cemeteries
As an avid golfer I am concerned about the future of my favorite pastime because there are more and more golfers and fewer and fewer tee times. There used to be a better golf course-to-golfer ratio, but then bowlers found out they could drink beer, drive electric carts into trees and get a tan by switching to golf and combined with the fact that young people think golf is a hip, retro thing to do, golf courses are way too crowded and most cities just don't have enough space to build more of them.

So I would like to suggest in the future we combine golf courses with cemeteries. Cemeteries have everything you need for a golf course. They are often conveniently located right in the middle of town, they have lots of grass and trees. The only problem is all those damn headstones.

So what you do is this: take out the headstones... leave the bodies cuz' nobody takes a divot that deep... and put all the headstones representing bodies buried in that fairway, around the tee box. For example, one headstone would say "John Schimmelphenny, 1918-1988. Par four, 440 yards. May he rest in peace. Replace your divots."

Traditionally a golf course has bushes alongside or markers imbedded in the fairway to tell you when you are 150 yards away from the green, but now you could have a lone headstone that says "You're a 150 yards from the green and directly over Dirk Asman, 1912-1978."

And of course the mourners could still come to visit their dearly departed because mourners are generally quiet, which is perfect for golf. If while they are mourning they see a good shot perhaps they'll applaud and wave their flowers. It will help them reaffirm the notion that there is joy in life and to carry on without whomever they have lost.

Right now this may seem to be a crazy idea but they laughed at Edison. You watch--20 years from now, some of us will be buried on golf courses, while those we left behind will be making bogeys over bodies.