January 23, 2018
Getting the Right Advice
In the past 6 months my wife and I haven't seen any new movies or been out to dinner but we did recently buy a new vacuum cleaner.

Our old vacuum got to the point it wouldn't ingest anything unless it was hand fed so my wife bought the leading consumer we-test-the-products-so-you-don't-have-to magazine and said let's buy their top vacuum recommendation. But first I go ask the local vacuum repair place about the recommended brand and the guy there says, We love them... because their motors are made out of plastic and melt. I said, How often, and he said, Every time someone plugs one in and uses it. And he said in the past few years that consumer magazine has picked, as their top performers, the vacuums that actually break down the most for which he is very grateful because he is in the melted plastic-motor replacement business.

I didn't know what to think so I call a few other vacuum repair places and they tell me the same exact story and then all recommend the same make of vacuum, a brand I'd never heard of, called Simplicity. So, I go in and get the demo. The salesman rubs baking soda into a carpet, runs the highly recommended plastic-motor melting brand over the carpet, then puts a special black filter over the Simplicity's blow hole and runs it over the carpet. Tons of baking soda on the black filter. And thus, therefore, ergo, the Simplicity literally sucks baking soda right through thick carpet while the leading brand figuratively just,... sucks (not as well as the Simplicity).

And the coolest thing for me about the Simplicity is the non-melting metal motor because it sounds like the Bat-mobile when you start it up.

I half suspect a woman engineered that Bat-mobile sound into my new best friend, the Simplicity 6550, knowing it would make baby-boomer TV-addicts like me vacuum more often. Cleaning is now less a chore and more like zooming out of the Bat-cave heading for Gotham City to fight the forces of evil. Which, in this case, is just dirt and filth left over from our old vacuum cleaner.

Do you know that sound dirt and filth make when they get sucked into a vacuum cleaner? Wouldn't it be pure evil if some company sold a vacuum that had a secret chamber filled with dirt and filth and every time you turned the machine on it made that dirt getting sucked up noise? And if somebody made a vacuum that only sounded like it was devouring dirt and filth, do you think the we-test-the-products-so-you-don't-have-to consumer magazine would catch it? I hope so but if they're listening, some research you people may want to consider in the future, is to call vacuum repair shops. They seem to have a pretty good idea about which vacuums suck in the right way. And which ones just plain... don't. In Los Angeles, I'm Tim Bedore for Marketplace.