Yes Sir, Mr. Melman
I have a friend, who, for the purposes of this broadcast, wants to be known by the alias David Melman.
Melman is unhappy because his rabbit-ear antenna gets better T.V. reception than his cable, for which he is paying 40 bucks a month. So Melman calls the cable company and complains and is told the service crew will be there Thursday, between 8A.M and noon... (comedic pause) on Tuesday of next week.
Once there the service guys, of course can't fix his cable so Melman demands to speak to the President of the cable company, telling the receptionist, he, Melman, is a major stockholder and is so disgusted with the service he is receiving, he is seriously considering dumping the considerable Melman holdings in the cable company.
Guess what? All of a sudden the receptionist is saying "Yes sir, Mr. Melman. We are doing everything we can Mr. Melman." And the next day, Melman, gets a call from the President of the cable company who says, "Mr. Melman. What a pleasure to talk to you. Please Mr. Melman, pick a time, any time, when our best people can come out and fix your cable reception problem."
Melman picked 11:08 A.M. and at exactly 11:08 A.M. the service crew knocked on his door... but of course still couldn't fix the reception problem.
Before Melman could pick up the phone to complain in came another call from the President of the cable company.
This time Melman tells the President his cable company stinks because he isn't paying his workers enough and that higher salaries would produce a higher quality product. And then Melman says that Warren Buffet and he, Melman, believe in buying and holding positions only in solid companies who are in it for the long haul. The President said he would consider raising salaries.
It's unfair that the average customer, the non-stockholder can't get the same treatment from corporations that major stockholders get... which makes it so sweet that Melman, is not a major stockholder in this or any company. The only assets Melman can actually claim are a vivid imagination and an uncommon bravado when dealing with authority over the phone.
As Bob Dylan once said... just kidding, I don't need a Dylan quote here. The point is I don't think claiming you are a major stockholder when you aren't is against the law and it works. But if you try it don't use the name Melman. I've already done that.