January 23, 2018
If you want to get a baby something, buy stock in a baby company
My wife and I had a our first baby three months ago and since then life has been a stream of wonderful revelations. Among our amazing discoveries-- that a plastic trash can full of dirty diapers can contain the smell of those diapers... unless you open the lid, that a thing as small as a baby's gastro-intestinal system can make such a big noise and how utterly charming screaming, drooling and belching can be.

But what's surprised us most is how generous people have been. We have received all kinds of clothes, stuffed animals and books from friends and family but I think the best gift you can give a newborn, is stock in a company that makes baby stuff. What a business this baby business! First, people will always give baby clothes to their friends because this miniature baby stuff is so cute. And second, babies out grow their clothes... overnight. Which means, there's lots of clothes to buy every baby every week.

Plus, first time parents are so anxious and nervous, if the tag says a sleeper is for infants four-to-six months old, there is no way my three month old daughter is wearing it because she could inhale the extra material. In fact, new parents will discover there is an endless sea of baby products out there and just because a product exists, paranoid parents have to have it. I mean, how could you safely raise a baby without a handi-wipe warmer, a brilliant product which electronically heats baby-wipes up to body temperature? God forbid, an infant who will happily sit for hours in fecal stew, ever feel the cold caress of a room temperature pre-moistened toilette. It makes you wonder how the pioneers ever got even one kid through puberty.

Unlike the Moms and Dads of yesteryear, today's parents, the pioneers of the digital frontier, are kid-gadget crazy. We will spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on products that may help our child get one more hour of sleep per year. But, if instead of giving a child this stuff you give your child stock in the company that makes that stuff, they may lose an hour of sleep but gain ahead-start on the future. A future, perhaps, filled with torment and anxiety from being cleaned with cold baby wipes but enough financial security to pay for therapy. In fact, if a baby owns stock in a diaper service company, every time that baby dirties a diaper, they are investing in their own future.