Heroic Warriors Battle Carp
Bath - IL - Heroic Americans took to the waterways of central Illinois to do battle with the foreign invaders known as Asian Big Head Carp. The non-indigenous, invasive species has ruined local fisheries and attacked fishermen and other recreational boaters. "Have you ever been hit by 40 pounds of evil slime," asked Jimmy Morin. "These @#^%&$* mean business and we need to take them out."
Animals Develop Dangerous Resistance
Livermore- CA - U.S. officials are worried several species of animals are actively trying to build up immunity to poisons used to control their activities. It is not known what their goal is but, one expert claimed, "If they wanted to take out humanity, this is how they would start, develop a resistance to our weapons."
Deer-Man Hybrid Hoax Exposed
LOS ANGELES, CA - The FOX News Network has admitted they were unable to confirm the veracity of a recent story on the existence of a new species of animal - a human-deer hybrid. FOX had broadcast a story claiming a man from Superior, WI, has had physical relations with several deer and the result was the birth of a cross species hybrid. FOX now denies that part of the story and apologizes for any confusion!
ELEPHANTS HATE ECO-TOURISTS
IVORY COAST, AFRICA - Angry African elephants have turned on eco-tourists, smashing their vehicles and injuring several Americans. Ron Klein, Kalamazoo, MI, said, "I have sent thousands of dollars to protect these bastards and then they go and do this. Next year we are going to do a cruise ship."