Deer Attacks Boat
Kranszuch Key, FL-- A deer attacked a boat three miles off shore today in what has to be one of the most bizarre cases of human/animal interaction. Al Bachuber was fishing when he saw "A very determined deer coming at me in the middle of the damn ocean." The fatigued land animal got up onto Bachuber's rear swim deck and head butting the flummoxed fisherman before collapsing in exhaustion. "I know this sounds crazy but I think this deer is the same one that nearly got me to drive into a light pole the other night. Is it possible this thing is after me?" Local biologists are examining the deer.
Man has Fallen for Polar Bear
Fairbanks, ALASKA-- A local man, Detlef Shrimp, has a lot of explaining to do. Both the DNR and the SPCA want to question Schrimp over the nature of his relationship with a local polar bear, known as PB675 to the DNR, and Betsy to Shrimp. Witnesses have given accounts of very dubious interactions between Shrimp and PB675. In his defense, the local oil industry worker said, "If Betsy wants to spend the night or give me a kiss goodbye before I get in the CAT and go off to work the pipeline, where is the harm? Am I a bad person for loving another creature so completely?"
By Any Means Necessary
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Dozens of pigeons have attacked tourists this summer in Golden Gate Park by flying over humans and pooping in mid-swoop. Park officials have stopped short of saying these aerial droppings are purposeful and coordinated but admit there doesn't seem to be any other explanation.
Jesus Shoots, He Scores
St. Louis, MO - Catholic Supply of St, Louis has announced a new line of inspirational statuary for the athletic Christian. The theme is that Jesus Christ is not only our coach in life but also more specifically in how to hit a golf ball or make a hook shot.
Heroic Warriors Battle Carp
Bath - IL - Heroic Americans took to the waterways of central Illinois to do battle with the foreign invaders known as Asian Big Head Carp. The non-indigenous, invasive species has ruined local fisheries and attacked fishermen and other recreational boaters. "Have you ever been hit by 40 pounds of evil slime," asked Jimmy Morin. "These @#^%&$* mean business and we need to take them out."