June 25, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Moose Ruins Summer
Ketchikan, ALASKA - A moose ruined the summer for 3 year old Michelle Weiss. A moose took up residence in her wading pool in early June and never left. Even if the moose did leave, the water was filled with hair and needed to be cleaned and re-filled. Once cleaned, the moose would charge back and scare off the screaming little girl just as she stepped into the pool, chasing her back into her home. For her 4th birthday Michelle has asked her parents for a gun.
Guitar Makers Sues
HOLLYWOOD, CA - A spokesman for Fender Guitars of Corona, California is suing the makers of Just For Men over their current TV campaign. "We wouldn't be pissed off if they had used an actor who looks like he even knew how to hold a guitar. Guitars usually make people look cool. But this guy is such a dork he makes guitars look bad," explained company spokesman Mike Vaneslow. Fender is asking Just For Men to re-shoot the commercial with a less dorky actor or use a different brand guitar.
Deer Attacks Boat
Kranszuch Key, FL-- A deer attacked a boat three miles off shore today in what has to be one of the most bizarre cases of human/animal interaction. Al Bachuber was fishing when he saw "A very determined deer coming at me in the middle of the damn ocean." The fatigued land animal got up onto Bachuber's rear swim deck and head butting the flummoxed fisherman before collapsing in exhaustion. "I know this sounds crazy but I think this deer is the same one that nearly got me to drive into a light pole the other night. Is it possible this thing is after me?" Local biologists are examining the deer.
Man has Fallen for Polar Bear
Fairbanks, ALASKA-- A local man, Detlef Shrimp, has a lot of explaining to do. Both the DNR and the SPCA want to question Schrimp over the nature of his relationship with a local polar bear, known as PB675 to the DNR, and Betsy to Shrimp. Witnesses have given accounts of very dubious interactions between Shrimp and PB675. In his defense, the local oil industry worker said, "If Betsy wants to spend the night or give me a kiss goodbye before I get in the CAT and go off to work the pipeline, where is the harm? Am I a bad person for loving another creature so completely?"
By Any Means Necessary
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Dozens of pigeons have attacked tourists this summer in Golden Gate Park by flying over humans and pooping in mid-swoop. Park officials have stopped short of saying these aerial droppings are purposeful and coordinated but admit there doesn't seem to be any other explanation.
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