March 22, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Pope Bans Baby Jumping
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VATICAN CITY- Pope Benedict has asked priests in Spain to distance themselves from the El Colacho, or Baby Jumping Festival, after a recent tragic accident where babies were endangered and a 92 year old man was killed. The ritual, which features men dressed as the devil leaping over mattresses loaded with babies, is thought to keep the children safe from the devil for the rest of their lives. "Obviously our goal is to keep all of us safe from the devil, but if we take the lives of others while we're doing it, we have to question those methods," explained the Pontiff.
DNR Blames Parents
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LOVELAND, Colorado- Six year old Robbie Slayton was carried off by a Tule Elk right in front of his horrified parents, Tammi and Robert of Boulder. "We just wanted to get a great Christmas picture of Robbie with the elk but I guess we encouraged him to get too close," said his embarrassed father. The elk scooped the dumbstruck first grader up in its rack and once the six year old was seated up there, it galloped off into the mountains. After the local DNR called for an emergency rescue, searchers found the boy seven hours later sitting, unhurt,in a tree. The traumatized youngster hasn't spoken in two days but is expected to recover fully.
Holy Tragic Leap
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CASTRILLO, Spain- The annual El Colacho, or Baby Jumping festival has taken a tragic turn. Jaime Del Morin was leaping over a mattress filled with babies when he blew out a knee. To avoid hurting any babies Morin flung his body forward and crashed into 92 year old J.W. Puddios. Local priest, Father Stephano Zuschos said, "God's miracle of the circle of life happened right before our eyes. The old die as the young carry on, just as He planned."
Take This Job And Shove It
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KOALA LAMPHUR, Malaysia- Shinya Miyakoshi entertained passersby for years with his highly trained troop of performing monkeys until one disgruntled member killed him with the stick it used in a top-hat and cane dance routine. "That monkey just wanted out of show business and didn't know how else to do it," said Ed Crane, a nearby shop owner.
By The Nuts!
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DEMOTTE, Ind- Hope Wideup started up her car and heard racket from under the hood. "It didn't sound exactly right so I shut it off and went to look and see what was wrong." Inside her engine compartment were thousands of black walnuts probably put in there by a chipmunk Wideup has seen going in and out of her garage. "Was it trying to feed an army of chippies or does one of 'em eat that much over the winter?" Towing and repairs cost Wideup $242.
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