April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Alaska Still Has Job Openings
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ANCHORAGE, Alaska- Gov. Palin is considering a nationwide publicity blitz to fill open positions here in Alaska. "Katie Couric owes me but if she won't put me on I'll get my message out wherever I can. We need more people who will go outside to do work in this state but nobody will move here for these jobs. They think it's all polar bears, meth labs and gun nuts."
Man Eating Carp Haunts China
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HUADU FURONG, China- The Chinese long denied they had a problem with killer fresh water fish but when the son of a government official disappeared the awful truth hit the streets--the boy was eaten by a giant man-eating carp. According to locals a 30 foot long catfish was caught, cut up and inside were the remains of a human male. Since then, all carp are seen as the mortal enemy of the townspeople and are being pulled out of the river, in record numbers, before they can grow into more man-eaters. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagoevich's last official act in office was to arrange a trip to China to see if he could learn anything from them on how to help his state with its own infestation of Asian Big Head Carp.
Geese Down Medi-Chopper
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COLD CREEK, Arkansas- A flock of geese, flying at night, took on a Medi-Chopper on a rescue mission and brought it down in a field short of St. Francis of Assisi Hospital. The patient, a goose hunter, had suffered a heart attack and was being flown to the emergency room. He died before an ambulance could reach the scene.
Cow Rides Shotgun
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LAREDO, Texas- Clint Strider claims he just really loves his prized steer named Moses. Mental health officials believe he needs immediate help and perhaps confinement. Until authorities take action Strider plans to continue driving Moses around town. Police report they hope to find a legal way to stop Strider from driving an unrestrained 2000 pound steer on city streets.
Pope Bans Baby Jumping
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VATICAN CITY- Pope Benedict has asked priests in Spain to distance themselves from the El Colacho, or Baby Jumping Festival, after a recent tragic accident where babies were endangered and a 92 year old man was killed. The ritual, which features men dressed as the devil leaping over mattresses loaded with babies, is thought to keep the children safe from the devil for the rest of their lives. "Obviously our goal is to keep all of us safe from the devil, but if we take the lives of others while we're doing it, we have to question those methods," explained the Pontiff.
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