February 19, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Bagpipes Cause Problems
STONE MOUNTAIN, Ga- A yearly Scottish ritual has ended in lawsuits for the Sons of the Pipe fraternal organization. "Why did these parents just let their kids run all over the place," exclaimed Rusty McDuff. "Doesn't everyone know we don't wear underwear?" "We had no idea they didn't wear underwear," said Linders Alstrom, the father who brought suit. "If you are walking through a public park you don't expect your kids to end up seeing a grown man's genitals."
Chimp Goes Ape!
HARTFORD, Conn- A highly trained 200-pound chimpanzee, who once starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola, was shot dead by police after a violent rampage that left a friend of its owner badly mauled. After the initial attack, the 15 year old chimp named Travis ran away but when police arrived he returned and went after several of the officers, who retreated into their cars. With the strength of four men Travis opened the cars to continue his attack. Officers shot Travis several times and he died of his wounds. The chimpanzee was well-known around Stamford because he rode through town in trucks belonging to the towing company operated by his owners. When he was younger, Travis appeared on TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola, made an appearance on the "Maury Povich Show" and took part in a television pilot. A neighbor who asked to remain anonymous said, "Travis may have been upset because he hasnít heard from his agent for a long time and really thought he was right for a part in a new ad campaign he saw on TV. I could tell, he wanted the part. When the ad came on Travis would stomp his feet and point angrily at the phone."
"You Just Have To Act Tough"
FAIRBANKS, Alaska- Rocky Squier raised an abandoned moose calf with his horses and has trained it for lumber removal and other hauling tasks. Given the 2,000 pounds of robust muscle, and the splayed, grippy hooves, Squier claims it is the best work animal he owns. He says the secret to keeping the moose around is a sweet salt lick, and during the rut when he disappears for a couple of weeks, not asking where he has been when he comes back. "You can control these animals and make them work for you if you have the will. You just have to act tough when you are around them... that tough attitude and a cattle prod, are pretty much all you need."
Alaska Still Has Job Openings
ANCHORAGE, Alaska- Gov. Palin is considering a nationwide publicity blitz to fill open positions here in Alaska. "Katie Couric owes me but if she won't put me on I'll get my message out wherever I can. We need more people who will go outside to do work in this state but nobody will move here for these jobs. They think it's all polar bears, meth labs and gun nuts."
Man Eating Carp Haunts China
HUADU FURONG, China- The Chinese long denied they had a problem with killer fresh water fish but when the son of a government official disappeared the awful truth hit the streets--the boy was eaten by a giant man-eating carp. According to locals a 30 foot long catfish was caught, cut up and inside were the remains of a human male. Since then, all carp are seen as the mortal enemy of the townspeople and are being pulled out of the river, in record numbers, before they can grow into more man-eaters. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagoevich's last official act in office was to arrange a trip to China to see if he could learn anything from them on how to help his state with its own infestation of Asian Big Head Carp.
Go to page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74