June 25, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Dangerous Skies
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GRASS VALLEY, California- Sky divers occasionally see birds but rarely are they harassed by a hawk until they leave the sky. Wilbur Rickenbacher said, "That red tail just wanted me out of his backyard. It ripped at my chute, dove at me, and screeched incessantly until my feet hit the ground. Then it just took off."
Evil Breaks In
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SHERMAN OAKS, California-Kurt Ramlo sat down to do his taxes but something at the window caught his eye. "A wild eyed squirrel was trying to break in and wouldn't stop for anything. I shot staples at it, blew compressed air from the computer duster can thing... its little squirrel cheeks were flapping in the wind, but it wouldn't get off the screen. I don't know what it wanted in here but it was highly motivated." A smack from a tennis shoe knocked the determined rodent off the screen.
Pope Approves Birth Control For Deer
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CROSS PLAINS, Wisconsin- Monsignor James Brogan has received the approval of the Vatican to bless contraceptive efforts being made by locals to reduce the deer herd. "Snowmobilers are at risk, these deer eat up saplings and ruin people's yards... we have to bring down the size of the herd and the rhythm method is not going to get it done," said Brogan.
Tourist Advisory Issued
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BAHMFOOUT, South Africa- Tourists are being advised to use designated rest areas while in the bush. Several lion attacks on humans have occurred while tourists were relieving themselves outdoors. "It seems to be a pattern. You squat, they rush. When you think of it, why wouldn't they attack while you're most vulnerable," remarked tour guide Dirk Hinkeerbinden.
Bat Goes To Outer Space
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CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida- A bat tried to hitch a ride to outer space on the space shuttle. Could it survive? Experts say there is little chance the bat could get too far from Earth before expiring. NASA scientist Larry Brown said, "But our radar will be looking for any large, winged creature re-entering the atmosphere, because we all know bats turn into giant evil beasts once they spend time in space." NASA officials note that Mr. Brown was due to retire this week and is known to put reporters on.
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