Evil Breaks In
SHERMAN OAKS, California-Kurt Ramlo sat down to do his taxes but something at the window caught his eye. "A wild eyed squirrel was trying to break in and wouldn't stop for anything. I shot staples at it, blew compressed air from the computer duster can thing... its little squirrel cheeks were flapping in the wind, but it wouldn't get off the screen. I don't know what it wanted in here but it was highly motivated." A smack from a tennis shoe knocked the determined rodent off the screen.
Pope Approves Birth Control For Deer
CROSS PLAINS, Wisconsin- Monsignor James Brogan has received the approval of the Vatican to bless contraceptive efforts being made by locals to reduce the deer herd. "Snowmobilers are at risk, these deer eat up saplings and ruin people's yards... we have to bring down the size of the herd and the rhythm method is not going to get it done," said Brogan.
Tourist Advisory Issued
BAHMFOOUT, South Africa- Tourists are being advised to use designated rest areas while in the bush. Several lion attacks on humans have occurred while tourists were relieving themselves outdoors. "It seems to be a pattern. You squat, they rush. When you think of it, why wouldn't they attack while you're most vulnerable," remarked tour guide Dirk Hinkeerbinden.
Bat Goes To Outer Space
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida- A bat tried to hitch a ride to outer space on the space shuttle. Could it survive? Experts say there is little chance the bat could get too far from Earth before expiring. NASA scientist Larry Brown said, "But our radar will be looking for any large, winged creature re-entering the atmosphere, because we all know bats turn into giant evil beasts once they spend time in space." NASA officials note that Mr. Brown was due to retire this week and is known to put reporters on.
Bear Teaches Wolf To Fish
TONGASS NATIONAL FOREST, Alaska- Park rangers say they have seen lots of interesting things over the years but they never expected to witness a bear teaching a wolf how to fish for salmon. "There was not only tolerance for another species threatening its food supply, but this bear was actively showing the wolf how to fish. When the wolf didn't copy what he was doing, the bear roared at the wolf until he did it. It looked like a high school football practice. They definitely can work together," said DNR official Chris Hoffman.