January 21, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Asian Carp Hits American Jet Skier
PEORIA, Illinois—Firefighters rescued a man who was knocked from his Jet Ski by an Asian carp on Tuesday afternoon in the Illinois River. Tad Newell, 22, of Hanna City was riding his new Jet Ski when he ran into the large, leaping fish that knocked him from the Jet Ski. Newell had a cell phone with him and summoned help, telling police the carp had been dogging him all day and finally caught him right in the jaw.
Women's Group Complains
BEAVER DAM, Wisconsin- The Hartley Beef farm has been sued by the local chapter of the National Organization of Women for allowing their cattle to mount in plain view. "We don't want young women driving by Hartley farm to think that to get a man to love you you have to let him push your head under a fence while engaged in the physical act," said Janie Milton, NOW chapter president. Robert Hartley said, "I have no idea what these people are talking about. I make beef. I need calves. Where they do it is their choice."
Mice Embarrass Another Skater
LOS ANGELES, California- James Alcroft is certain rodents hate his figure skaters. Mice have bitten into and weakened the straps of two of his female figure skaters leading to very difficult moments during big routines. "You just can't skate with confidence when you have a boob hanging out," said the frustrated manager.
Deer Causes Sudden Stop, Boat Goes Camping
HOLLAND, Michigan- Bernie Filpot was bringing his boat to the launch to start the season but before he even got to the water his boat ended up in his camper. "I never suspected I'd see a deer in this part of town but out of nowhere there it was. I hit the brakes hard and suddenly the bow is in the bedroom. This sure changes our plans for the summer."
Illinois Has Answer For Big Head Carp
SPRINGFIELD, Illinois- State Water Management Director, John Means, thinks he has the solution to the growing big head carp problem in state waters. "Let's breed, buy, steal every eagle and osprey we can and get a natural predator in here to take out these slimy (expletive deleted)."
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