Squirrels Dis-honor American Heroes on Memorial Day
HALLOWED GROUND, The United States of America- At cemeteries all over America squirrels have taken American flags put out to honor the nation's war dead and used them to make nests in nearby trees. National Memorial Association Director Brian Puckette said, "I have heard from cemetery people all over the nation... on Memorial Day squirrels took flags everywhere, in every state. It's almost as if they had a plan."
Bear For Dinner
POCCATELLO, Idaho- Ben and Barb Terrio frequently have bear for dinner but not as a main course, as a guest. "Grizzer just loves good company and good food," claims Ben Terrio. "He is just one of the neighbors to us and we are happy to have him join us any time." But some of the Terrio's human neighbors are not so sure. "This guy is a total flake. He has trained this bear to come trotting down the street whenever he smells food and I have kids on roller blades out there. This has got to stop," exclaimed an exasperated Cary Otis.
Faith In The Family Organization Announces Winning Couple
SPRINGFIELD, Virginia- Dr. Pendleton Kennewick has announced his organization's annual Couple of the Year Award will go to Bertha and Florian Klasinski. "This loving couple work so well together and trust each other in a way that few ever do and we want to acknowledge their success with this award," said Dr. Kennewick. "Plus, can you believe her sense of balance?"
Asian Carp Hits American Jet Skier
PEORIA, Illinois—Firefighters rescued a man who was knocked from his Jet Ski by an Asian carp on Tuesday afternoon in the Illinois River.
Tad Newell, 22, of Hanna City was riding his new Jet Ski when he ran into the large, leaping fish that knocked him from the Jet Ski. Newell had a cell phone with him and summoned help, telling police the carp had been dogging him all day and finally caught him right in the jaw.
Women's Group Complains
BEAVER DAM, Wisconsin- The Hartley Beef farm has been sued by the local chapter of the National Organization of Women for allowing their cattle to mount in plain view. "We don't want young women driving by Hartley farm to think that to get a man to love you you have to let him push your head under a fence while engaged in the physical act," said Janie Milton, NOW chapter president. Robert Hartley said, "I have no idea what these people are talking about. I make beef. I need calves. Where they do it is their choice."