January 21, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

They Want What We Have
LOS ANGELES, California- Jennifer Cates was attending a fund raiser at the Los Angeles Zoo when the beauty queen got more than she bargained for from a randy Oranutang. And her husband, Kurt, didn't think it was an innocent mistake for the young juvenile known as Roscoe to goose, fondle and otherwise get uncomfortably close to Jennifer. "I swear that monkey knew he could get away with it because he was a 'cute ape' but he was just horny. If he was further up the evolutionary ladder he'd be in jail on assault charges. Roscoe knows nobody suspects him, so he kept after Jen'. He wanted to go homo sapien and got away with it."
Don't Flush Your 'Gator
NEW YORK, New York- Metro Water Works officials are again asking residents to not flush their exotic pets into the city's sewer systems. "We end up losing a few sanitation workers to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome every year, after they open up a manhole and out comes a nine-foot alligator," said Harris Goldberg. "Crocs and 'gators may go down the toilet as little bitty things. But when our guys see 'em they are much bigger and really hacked off about having to live down there."
Moscow Mutts Love Mass Transit
MOSCOW, Russia-In Moscow, stray dogs are commuting to and from downtown on underground trains in search of food. The clever canines board the Tube each morning and after a hard day scavenging on the streets,they hop back on the train and return to the suburbs where they spend the night. The phenomenon began after the Soviet Union collapsed and Russia's new capitalists moved industrial complexes from the city to the suburbs. Dr Andrei Poiarkov, of the Moscow Evolution Institute, said, "These factories were used by homeless dogs as shelters, so the dogs had to move when the factories left for the suburbs. Because the best scavenging for food is downtown, the dogs had to learn how to travel on the subway in the morning, then back home in the evening, just like people." Dr Poiarkov told how the dogs like to play during their daily commute. He said, "They jump on the train seconds before the doors shut, risking their tails getting jammed. They do it for fun. And sometimes they fall asleep and get off at the wrong stop." They also use cunning tactics to obtain tasty morsels of shawarma, a kebab-like snack popular in Moscow. They sneak up behind people eating shawarmas, then bark loudly to shock them into dropping their food. When on the prowl for shawarma, it seems they are conscientious users of traffic lights to cross the road safely, said Dr Poiarkov.
Holy Sheephead Batman!
DANBURY TWP, Ohio- A Lake Erie freshwater drum, or sheepshead, smashed a woman's windshield when an eagle dropped the fish from about 40 feet in the air. Leighann Niles, 35, said she was earlier driving west on Interstate 480 when a small bird shot into her back passenger door, startling her 5-year-old daughter. I said "It's OK honey, it's just good it didn't hit the windshield. An hour later, we're coming into Marblehead and the next thing I knew, the fish shattered my windshield. I don't want to say I've been targeted by birds but it sure seems weird. And that fish had spooky teeth, too."
Spider 'Coon, Does Whatever a Spider 'Coon Can.
CHICAGO, Illinois- Bob Heymann never thought he would be burglarized by a raccoon on the 6th floor of a Gold Coast apartment building but that is just what police determine has been happening. "First it was a watch, a ring, loose change... then an I-pod. Finally I set up motion detectors and we caught the bastard trying to climb down the wall right in broad daylight. I am trying to cut down on using the AC this summer but now I have to lock the windows," said the amazed Heymann.
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