October 17, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Thieves Fear New Mexico Lion
ABBE CADEBRA, New Mexico- Ducky O' Toole was tired of thieves picking on his auto repair shop so he spread the rumor around the neighborhood that a rare breed of New Mexico Lion was guarding his business at night. Break-ins stopped completely. Finally a frightened neighbor called authorities to look into the situation. O' Toole isn't saying exactly where his dog, Carrot Top, has gone but city inspectors say they will not be looking any further into the situation. O' Toole said, "I'm not saying thieves tend to be idiots, but..."
Bear-zilla Attacks Japan
TOKYO, Japan- A bear injured nine people at a highway rest stop in central Japan before being shot dead in a souvenir shop by a hunter. "We don't normally get hunters in here but we're so lucky he happened by, and with a gun," said shop owner Shinya Miyakoshi. Reports said the attack lasted about an hour and all of the victims were expected to survive. While in the souvenir shop the rampaging bear destroyed a display of stuffed bears sold to tourists who come to the area to see bears.
Cows Go On Killing Rampage
LONDON, England- The deaths of no fewer than four people after being trampled by cows in the past two months has prompted Britain's main farming union to issue a warning about the dangers of provoking the normally docile animals. The current spate of attacks by cows began when Liz Crowsley, a veterinary surgeon, was crushed against a wall and then trampled underfoot while out walking with her two dogs. The fourth fatal attack claimed the life of Harold Lee, a 75-year-old farmer from Burtle in the West Country. He was killed by his own herd. "England has always been nice to her cows and this is how they repay us," said Minister of the Interior, Ian Smithwell Baker. "Would they like it better if we treated them like they do in Spain?"
"The Seagulls Distracted Me"
MARCO ISLAND, Florida- John Chiricotti was heading to the harbor to launch his boat when a sea gull swooped in and stole the bagel he was eating right out of his hand. "I had the bagel in my left hand, which was kind of half in and half out the window, and a gull swooped in, snatched it, and I was starving and now had nothing to eat so I got mad and spaced out and instead of backing the boat down the ramp into the water I just drove right in."
They Want What We Have
LOS ANGELES, California- Jennifer Cates was attending a fund raiser at the Los Angeles Zoo when the beauty queen got more than she bargained for from a randy Oranutang. And her husband, Kurt, didn't think it was an innocent mistake for the young juvenile known as Roscoe to goose, fondle and otherwise get uncomfortably close to Jennifer. "I swear that monkey knew he could get away with it because he was a 'cute ape' but he was just horny. If he was further up the evolutionary ladder he'd be in jail on assault charges. Roscoe knows nobody suspects him, so he kept after Jen'. He wanted to go homo sapien and got away with it."
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