April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Cows Go On Killing Rampage
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LONDON, England- The deaths of no fewer than four people after being trampled by cows in the past two months has prompted Britain's main farming union to issue a warning about the dangers of provoking the normally docile animals. The current spate of attacks by cows began when Liz Crowsley, a veterinary surgeon, was crushed against a wall and then trampled underfoot while out walking with her two dogs. The fourth fatal attack claimed the life of Harold Lee, a 75-year-old farmer from Burtle in the West Country. He was killed by his own herd. "England has always been nice to her cows and this is how they repay us," said Minister of the Interior, Ian Smithwell Baker. "Would they like it better if we treated them like they do in Spain?"
"The Seagulls Distracted Me"
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MARCO ISLAND, Florida- John Chiricotti was heading to the harbor to launch his boat when a sea gull swooped in and stole the bagel he was eating right out of his hand. "I had the bagel in my left hand, which was kind of half in and half out the window, and a gull swooped in, snatched it, and I was starving and now had nothing to eat so I got mad and spaced out and instead of backing the boat down the ramp into the water I just drove right in."
They Want What We Have
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LOS ANGELES, California- Jennifer Cates was attending a fund raiser at the Los Angeles Zoo when the beauty queen got more than she bargained for from a randy Oranutang. And her husband, Kurt, didn't think it was an innocent mistake for the young juvenile known as Roscoe to goose, fondle and otherwise get uncomfortably close to Jennifer. "I swear that monkey knew he could get away with it because he was a 'cute ape' but he was just horny. If he was further up the evolutionary ladder he'd be in jail on assault charges. Roscoe knows nobody suspects him, so he kept after Jen'. He wanted to go homo sapien and got away with it."
Don't Flush Your 'Gator
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NEW YORK, New York- Metro Water Works officials are again asking residents to not flush their exotic pets into the city's sewer systems. "We end up losing a few sanitation workers to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome every year, after they open up a manhole and out comes a nine-foot alligator," said Harris Goldberg. "Crocs and 'gators may go down the toilet as little bitty things. But when our guys see 'em they are much bigger and really hacked off about having to live down there."
Moscow Mutts Love Mass Transit
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MOSCOW, Russia-In Moscow, stray dogs are commuting to and from downtown on underground trains in search of food. The clever canines board the Tube each morning and after a hard day scavenging on the streets,they hop back on the train and return to the suburbs where they spend the night. The phenomenon began after the Soviet Union collapsed and Russia's new capitalists moved industrial complexes from the city to the suburbs. Dr Andrei Poiarkov, of the Moscow Evolution Institute, said, "These factories were used by homeless dogs as shelters, so the dogs had to move when the factories left for the suburbs. Because the best scavenging for food is downtown, the dogs had to learn how to travel on the subway in the morning, then back home in the evening, just like people." Dr Poiarkov told how the dogs like to play during their daily commute. He said, "They jump on the train seconds before the doors shut, risking their tails getting jammed. They do it for fun. And sometimes they fall asleep and get off at the wrong stop." They also use cunning tactics to obtain tasty morsels of shawarma, a kebab-like snack popular in Moscow. They sneak up behind people eating shawarmas, then bark loudly to shock them into dropping their food. When on the prowl for shawarma, it seems they are conscientious users of traffic lights to cross the road safely, said Dr Poiarkov.
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