February 19, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Pet Bear Mauls Human Mommy
ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania - A woman was killed by a captive 350-pound black bear as she cleaned its cage Sunday night. Kelly Ann Walz, 37, was pronounced dead at the scene of her husband's exotic pet business, which he was operating with an expired license. Walz, has a lion, cougar, jaguar, tiger, black bear, leopard and two servals on the property. Kelly Ann Walz went into the bear's cage Sunday, throwing a shovelful of dog food to one side to distract the bear while she cleaned the other side. At some point the bear turned on her and attacked. Game officials on the scene told reporters, "Why this woman chose to go in the same area that the bear was in is beyond me. It's a fatal mistake. These things are wild animals. And apparently feeding them on a regular basis is not enough to keep them from killing you."
Giant Alien Snakes Invade America
THE SOUTHERN UNITED STATES- Giant Alien Snakes: It's not the title of a creepy new horror movie. According to a study by the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS), nine species of giant snakes alien to North America will become established in the wild and wreak havoc on the ecosystem. These snakes can grow longer than 20 feet and weigh over 200 pounds. The slithering giants would be capable of surviving in the wild, and since they breed quickly and lack native predators, they could quickly cause trouble in U.S. ecosystems. So where did these snakes come from? Most of them were once pets that escaped or that people released into the wild. "If you want to be good to Mother Nature, do not under any circumstances let [your snake] go," study USGS zoologist Gordon Rodda. "They would rather live in your house and have you move outside, when it comes down to it, and with them at 200 pounds of raw muscle, you just might have to comply."
Dolphin Kills Eco-Tourist
PICTON, New Zealand-An American tourist died while swimming with dolphins in the Marlborough Sounds this morning. The 27-year-old woman was on a Dolphin Watch EcoTours trip. She was found face down in the water after jumping in with a group of swimmers who came half way across the world to swim with the friendly dolphins. "We come here to support the dolphins," said EcoTours owner Skylar Brindle, adding, "The one who killed this woman just didn't understand that." But Marine Biologist Stephanie Miyakoshi has another idea. "Male dolphins know when a female is ovulating and get very excited and aggressive. When 400 pounds of dolphin rubs up against 115 pounds of land-based human, you might have problems."
Bears Target Minivans
YOSEMITE, California- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger suggests you leave your minivan home on your next camping trip. Minivans are the No. 1 target of break-ins by hungry bears in California's Yosemite National Park. Stewart Breck of the National Wildlife Research Center, said "It may have something to do with children leaving crumbs and spilled juice boxes in there which draws in the bears, from the scent. Then bears see a cooler in the back and they know a turkey sandwich is just a little demolition work away." Bears can bend car frames and smash glass with ease, but with a minivan they donít have to bother. "They'll put their claws into the edge of the window and pop it open," Breck says. "In fact, VW Microbuses are their favorites. They'll bust open a Microbus just for kicks. Or, the pot." Bears in Yosemite normally subsist on a diet of acorns, berries, grasses and herbs. Why munch acorns when you can chow down on cookies, granola bars and toothpaste? "They sure do seem to like what we humans have," said the biologist.
Flummoxed Fishermen Battle Evil Eel
BAYVIEW, Texas- Steve Hoyland and friends, Bruce, Eric and Ken, went for an overnight fishing trip from which they almost didn't return. About 3AM, Steve and Bruce were on deck, drinking beer and fishing, when Steve's line when reeling and after a 20 minute battle, he hauled in a six foot, 100 pound eel. Once on the boat the eel repeatedly coiled and attacked, like a rattlesnake. "This thing just went wild on us," said the astonished fisherman. "And when something when that many teeth coils and strikes at you, at 3AM, after all that beer... well, that's just one weird night." The eel flopped down the steps to the below deck and landed right between Ken and Erik, who were sound asleep. When Erik turned on the light Ken was face to face with the coiled eel. Erik was about to shoot the eel with a 9mm pistol but Steve shouted that shooting a gun on the boat, and towards Erik's face, would both be bad ideas. Retreating to the deck the friends decided to come up with a plan and drink more beer. Their plan, included Steve, because he had consumed the most beer, opening the sliding door to go below but out burst the eel, jumping up two steps, snapping at anything in its path. The four men ran to the wheelhouse and admit screaming like little girls. Safe inside, they decided to drink more beer. Finally they came out, covered the sea monster with a blanket and beat it with an ice chest lid, fire extinguishers and the gaff. Once subdued, they put the eel in a big ice chest and collapsed to the deck, exhausted. And drank more beer. Moments later, the lid popped off the ice chest and the monster that would not die came roaring out, sending Bruce backpedaling across the deck while the sea devil snapped at his crotch. Fire extinguishers and other objects were again employed and the eel was staggered enough to be be put back into the ice chest. This time the men decided to tie the lid down. And then, drink more beer.
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