April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Bears Target Minivans
YOSEMITE, California- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger suggests you leave your minivan home on your next camping trip. Minivans are the No. 1 target of break-ins by hungry bears in California's Yosemite National Park. Stewart Breck of the National Wildlife Research Center, said "It may have something to do with children leaving crumbs and spilled juice boxes in there which draws in the bears, from the scent. Then bears see a cooler in the back and they know a turkey sandwich is just a little demolition work away." Bears can bend car frames and smash glass with ease, but with a minivan they donít have to bother. "They'll put their claws into the edge of the window and pop it open," Breck says. "In fact, VW Microbuses are their favorites. They'll bust open a Microbus just for kicks. Or, the pot." Bears in Yosemite normally subsist on a diet of acorns, berries, grasses and herbs. Why munch acorns when you can chow down on cookies, granola bars and toothpaste? "They sure do seem to like what we humans have," said the biologist.
Flummoxed Fishermen Battle Evil Eel
BAYVIEW, Texas- Steve Hoyland and friends, Bruce, Eric and Ken, went for an overnight fishing trip from which they almost didn't return. About 3AM, Steve and Bruce were on deck, drinking beer and fishing, when Steve's line when reeling and after a 20 minute battle, he hauled in a six foot, 100 pound eel. Once on the boat the eel repeatedly coiled and attacked, like a rattlesnake. "This thing just went wild on us," said the astonished fisherman. "And when something when that many teeth coils and strikes at you, at 3AM, after all that beer... well, that's just one weird night." The eel flopped down the steps to the below deck and landed right between Ken and Erik, who were sound asleep. When Erik turned on the light Ken was face to face with the coiled eel. Erik was about to shoot the eel with a 9mm pistol but Steve shouted that shooting a gun on the boat, and towards Erik's face, would both be bad ideas. Retreating to the deck the friends decided to come up with a plan and drink more beer. Their plan, included Steve, because he had consumed the most beer, opening the sliding door to go below but out burst the eel, jumping up two steps, snapping at anything in its path. The four men ran to the wheelhouse and admit screaming like little girls. Safe inside, they decided to drink more beer. Finally they came out, covered the sea monster with a blanket and beat it with an ice chest lid, fire extinguishers and the gaff. Once subdued, they put the eel in a big ice chest and collapsed to the deck, exhausted. And drank more beer. Moments later, the lid popped off the ice chest and the monster that would not die came roaring out, sending Bruce backpedaling across the deck while the sea devil snapped at his crotch. Fire extinguishers and other objects were again employed and the eel was staggered enough to be be put back into the ice chest. This time the men decided to tie the lid down. And then, drink more beer.
Deer May Have Started New Wildfire
OJAI, California- The last thing California needs is another wildfire, especially one started intentionally. But that is just what Ventura County Fire Crew commander Dan Brown thinks he saw this week, a fire started intentionally by a deer. "I was patrolling a fire road and stopped when I noticed a deer violently pawing at something. My first thought was it was a rattle snake, but I couldn't see anything on the ground yet the deer kept pounding away and then I noticed tiny sparks flying off the rocks each time the hooves hit and then the brush flamed up and the deer took off."
Thieves Fear New Mexico Lion
ABBE CADEBRA, New Mexico- Ducky O' Toole was tired of thieves picking on his auto repair shop so he spread the rumor around the neighborhood that a rare breed of New Mexico Lion was guarding his business at night. Break-ins stopped completely. Finally a frightened neighbor called authorities to look into the situation. O' Toole isn't saying exactly where his dog, Carrot Top, has gone but city inspectors say they will not be looking any further into the situation. O' Toole said, "I'm not saying thieves tend to be idiots, but..."
Bear-zilla Attacks Japan
TOKYO, Japan- A bear injured nine people at a highway rest stop in central Japan before being shot dead in a souvenir shop by a hunter. "We don't normally get hunters in here but we're so lucky he happened by, and with a gun," said shop owner Shinya Miyakoshi. Reports said the attack lasted about an hour and all of the victims were expected to survive. While in the souvenir shop the rampaging bear destroyed a display of stuffed bears sold to tourists who come to the area to see bears.
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