August 19, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Dingle and Berry Open Dog and Cat Shelter
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SAN DIEGO, California- John Dingle and Brad Berry are ready to give back to the community. The animal lovers and pro football players announced they will join forces to build the Dingle Berry Dog and Cat Home for abandoned pets. "We see a lot of pets go to shelters and if nobody takes them in six weeks, that's where we step in. We give them a home for another six weeks."
Woman Attacked By Raccoon Outside Church
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WILMINGTON, Delaware- A mom in Delaware was attacked by a raccoon while leaving church Sunday morning. Witnesses said the raccoon appeared and charged the woman's child as they left Old Swedes Lutheran Church in Wilmington. The mom jumped in front of her child and was bitten in the leg. Parishioners say the animal may have been attracted to cat food that was left out for strays. Pastor Bryce Eichlersmith said, "It seems these beasts fear neither God, nor man."
Kenyan Monkeys Make 'Lewd Signs' At Women
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NAIROBI, Kenya- A troop of monkeys has been making "lewd signs" at women trying to harvest crops south of Nairobi. Local constable Paul Muite said his constituents fear the monkeys could sexually harass them, and that, "These creatures clearly have no respect for women." Gichuki Kabukuru, a spokesman for Kenya Wildlife Service, said monkeys and baboons have a penchant for harassing women rather than men, and even gesturing at them and touching their own private parts. According to locals, the animals have become so aggressive that women have taken to dressing up like men, wearing trousers and long-sleeve shirts.
Coyote Captured In Harlem
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NEW YORK, New York- Harlem locals have something new to fear- wild coyotes. A young coyote was captured yesterday on 155th St. and Broadway. She's the third wild coyote to be caught in the city. Experts say the coyotes "probably walk down the Amtrak rail corridor along the Hudson River or swim down the Hudson River until they get to the city. It's normal behavior. We won't panic until the coyotes actually learn how to ride inside the Amtrak trains."
"There's a 'Coon in My Pants!"
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TERWILLIGER, Louisiana- Doris Duke has never forgiven herself for drinking alcohol throughout her pregnancy. "I just thought all those warnings at the doctor's office were plain hooey. I never would have drunk like that if I knew it was real." Today her teenage son, David Duke Jr. suffers from deficient social skills. So, when David came into the house, saying "There's a 'coon in my pants, there's a 'coon in my pants," his Mom didn't take him seriously. "He's going through puberty, so at first I figured it was some sort of crude joke. Then I thought the boy was just acting up. Then he had me look out the window. There was a 'coon in his pants."
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