March 22, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Woman Attacked By Raccoon Outside Church
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WILMINGTON, Delaware- A mom in Delaware was attacked by a raccoon while leaving church Sunday morning. Witnesses said the raccoon appeared and charged the woman's child as they left Old Swedes Lutheran Church in Wilmington. The mom jumped in front of her child and was bitten in the leg. Parishioners say the animal may have been attracted to cat food that was left out for strays. Pastor Bryce Eichlersmith said, "It seems these beasts fear neither God, nor man."
Kenyan Monkeys Make 'Lewd Signs' At Women
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NAIROBI, Kenya- A troop of monkeys has been making "lewd signs" at women trying to harvest crops south of Nairobi. Local constable Paul Muite said his constituents fear the monkeys could sexually harass them, and that, "These creatures clearly have no respect for women." Gichuki Kabukuru, a spokesman for Kenya Wildlife Service, said monkeys and baboons have a penchant for harassing women rather than men, and even gesturing at them and touching their own private parts. According to locals, the animals have become so aggressive that women have taken to dressing up like men, wearing trousers and long-sleeve shirts.
Coyote Captured In Harlem
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NEW YORK, New York- Harlem locals have something new to fear- wild coyotes. A young coyote was captured yesterday on 155th St. and Broadway. She's the third wild coyote to be caught in the city. Experts say the coyotes "probably walk down the Amtrak rail corridor along the Hudson River or swim down the Hudson River until they get to the city. It's normal behavior. We won't panic until the coyotes actually learn how to ride inside the Amtrak trains."
"There's a 'Coon in My Pants!"
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TERWILLIGER, Louisiana- Doris Duke has never forgiven herself for drinking alcohol throughout her pregnancy. "I just thought all those warnings at the doctor's office were plain hooey. I never would have drunk like that if I knew it was real." Today her teenage son, David Duke Jr. suffers from deficient social skills. So, when David came into the house, saying "There's a 'coon in my pants, there's a 'coon in my pants," his Mom didn't take him seriously. "He's going through puberty, so at first I figured it was some sort of crude joke. Then I thought the boy was just acting up. Then he had me look out the window. There was a 'coon in his pants."
Cougar Has No Fear of God or Man
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DANSKIN, Canada- Armed with nothing more than a scrub rag, a mother in British Columbia rescued her 7-year-old son from a cougar outside their church. David Metzler Jr. was pinned down in the snow by a cougar and bleeding from his scalp when his mother Mary ran out of church and brandished her scrub rag. "I saw this animal on top of my son and I knew if I went back to call for help, it would be too late." So she smacked the animal on the head with the scrub rag. "I just took it and hit him in the face and cleaned his clock," Metzler told reporters. The cougar had attacked the boy about three yards outside the church door.
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