April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Monster Rattler' Terrifies TownHomes
ST. AUGUSTINE SHORES, Florida- As if the Florida real estate market didn't have enough trouble, a KB Homes townhouse development got some additional bad news-it's home to giant rattlesnakes. Seven and eight foot snakes with enough venom to kill 48 average adults or 62 average senior citizens have been showing up around the property. "We'll find the daddy or mommy with the super sized DNA and this will be over," said KB spokesman Sue Wadel. But potential buyers have stayed away since the pictures of the giant vipers hit the news. "Once the nest is found this will be over. And we're offering a big bonus to any buyer who does get bit or brings one in," added Wadel.
Feline Crustacean Pact Suspected
BATON ROUGE, Louisiana- Can two different species of animals negotiate a cooperation pact? Can invertebrates and mammals speak to one another? Can a crustacean and a feline join forces to ruin a human vacation? If you ask Michelle Weiss and her family, the answers are Yes, Yes and Yes. According to the frazzled vacationers from Madison, WI they saw a feral cat with a crayfish riding on its head dash across a dock, jump into the row boat they rented in Hot Springs, AK and hurriedly scratch at something near the motor before being shooed off. Later that afternoon, while fishing on Lake Lepoota, "All hell broke loose," said the frustrated Michelle. "My husband smokes and tossed a butt and suddenly there was a fire ball and we're in the water. I am sure the cat and crayfish cut a leak in a hose. Why else were they there?"
Rehabbed Bear Turns on Human Helpers
CAMBY, Oregon- Mike Abel has removed many bears from city dumps and ex-urban areas when they come in contact with humans. And to prepare them for a return to more remote areas he also tries to reacquant them with finding food as wild bears should. But apparently they don't like him for it. "Oh, I was one of those types who believed if you showed an animal love they would love you back," said the recovering naturalist. "But after seeing the look on that bear's face, I won't go near anything bigger than a chihuahua. It was awful. I rolled up into a ball like Ghandi and that bear beat me like a Viking on the loose in Ireland."
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"After this, I Will Have to Adopt!"
SEVILLE, Spain- Gilberto Morin represents the 23rd generation of his family to dominate his sport, and the only child of renowned matador Alejandro Morin. And unless surgeons can salvage some sperm from Gilberto, the Morin lineage will have ended. "My family has done a lot of damage to the bull species over the years and now the bulls have put an end to us," said Morin. "That whole day, every bull I faced seemed to be going for my cajones. Never saw anything like it, but finally El Jefe (the bull that caused he injury) got it done," claimed the confirmed bachelor.
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