October 17, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Gregarious Granny Guns Gator
BOCA RATON, Florida- Sadie Finkelstein has seen too many alligators park themselves outside her Florida home. Twice she has almost gotten bit going out to get the morning paper. But now, she is packing heat and the porch parking 'gators better pay attention because the 86 year old is ready to fight back. "I love reading the New York Times and if those 'gators keep me from getting it off the porch they are going to eat lead," said the generally jolly grandmother.
Barracuda Jumps In Boat and Attacks Teen
PANAMA BEACH, Florida- Koral Wira was named after the sea and its tranquility, not the terror she experienced on Sunday morning. While fishing with her family in the Gulf of Mexico, the 14-year-old girl was attacked by a 45-inch barracuda while innocently sitting in a boat. The barracuda jumped from the water, flew across the boat like a bullet, clamped onto the girl's left arm, chomped away for several minutes while her family desperately tried to drag it off, and finally did but not before her limb was turned into "raw hamburger," according to her father. Wira had incision-like bite marks from her elbow to her wrist, and the wounds required 51 stitches to close. "It was something out of 'Jaws,' it was that scary," said Dina Parker, Wira's mother. "We'll never go back out there again. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever been through." Wira's brother Ben, threw the barracuda into the water and said "It looked me right in the eye for about 10 seconds before it swam off. Real spooky."
Hunter's Family Decides to Have Him Mounted
PADUCAH, Kentucky- Daniel "Shafter" Wasco was born into a family with a proud hunting tradition. Now, his family wants to honor that tradition by having a taxidermist mount his body along side the wild boar that killed him. A funeral and burial had originally been planned but patriarch D. Boone Wasco had a last minute change of heart and opted for the more unique approach of taxidermy. "Been told it ain't legal so we might end up doin'the urn thing, cuz' we already sold the casket. But Shafter got it from the boar on a hunt and the boar got it from Shafter and to put'em together forever would just say everything." State statutes do not make it clear a human mounting is illegal so officials said they will come up with additional language to make sure it is.
'Gator Is No Teacher's Pet
TAMPA, Florida- At a time of year when kids are thinking about getting out of school, one alligator is thinking about getting in. The 7 foot 'gator found its way into a middle school just as students were arriving for class. Gary Morse, a spokesman for Florida Fish and Wildlife said a custodian let the alligator inside early Monday morning. "The janitor thought it would be easier to apprehend the 'gator if it were in the school, but it just made it worse, in that the kids were coming in and there was an alligator running through the halls. He meant well, though." Morse would not elaborate on how the professional alligator wranglers handled the situation but said "There are certain techniques used that I won't go into for public safety reasons; I don't want people to try this at home," but joked that they involve a very quick human dressed as a chicken.
It's All In The Timing
MONTGOMERY, Ohio- An accident involving a deer has forced police to shut down the right lanes of northbound I-71 in Montgomery. Police say a deer jumped off the overpass onto a car that was traveling on I-71 around 11:30 a.m. A woman inside the car was injured and transported to an area hospital. The right two lanes of the interstate were blocked causing traffic to backup for several miles for much of the day. The stalled vehicles included trucks carrying produce that was ruined by sitting in the heat. A Happy Farms company spokesman said, "One of our VPs hit a deer this morning on the way to work. Now this. Makes you wonder."
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