April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Gay Vultures Forced to Be Straight
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MUNSTER, Germany– German zoo keepers are forcing two male vultures who prefer nesting together to mate with females, sparking outrage from gay rights activists who accuse the zoo of discriminating against birds of a different feather. The trouble began when Guido and Detlef, two Griffon vultures, decided to move in together. The lovebirds began crafting a two-man nest in a communal birdcage. Both males enjoyed one another's company much more than that of any female and spent their days grooming one another and fortifying their nest. The purpose of their captivity in zoos is to allow them to reproduce in safe environments, and later reintroduce them into the wild. Zookeepers decided that Guido and Detlef's living arrangements weren't helping that goal. So last week, Guido was shipped to a zoo in the Czech Republic, where a bride awaited him but so far, Detlef and the Czech bird haven't touched one another. "As a joke someone played a Barbara Streisand CD into the enclosure and Detlef seemed happy for the first time since he's been here," said Barbel Meshkat, director of public relations. "Maybe Detlef is just really gay and we should butt out."
Transvestism In Simians Is Proved
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TOULOUSE, France- Bobo is a male monkey who is never happy unless he's dressed up like Bette Midler and putting on a show. "Oh my god, does Bobo go into a funk if he hasn't been able to do his Divine Miss M routine for awhile," said Collette Archambeau, director of media relations. And Dr. Michel Delatoille, head of primate research at the Giverny Institute claims Bobo is proof of transvestism in primates. "Unless monkeys are capable of making a deviant life style choice Bobo is proof that sexuality with all its styles, subsets and piccadilloes is innate. When you see him lip synch to "Wind Beneath My Wings" you know this is just something he has to do."
Resort Town Rethinks Bull Fighting
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ZIHUATANEJO, Mexico- Town elders believed that tourist visits would increase if traditional bull fighting was brought back to this former fishing village. But the opening day for the brand new bull fighting stadium proved to be a public relations disaster. "El Toro de Muerte," the Bull of Death, a powerful animal of famous lineage, was brought in for the opening festivities and within seconds of being released proceeded to jump into the stands and chase the crowd away. "Sadly, some Americans were scared right back over the border," said Pepe LaPaz, spokesman for the area Chamber of Commerce. "Between this and the drug violence I don't think they'll ever come back."
Plane Crash Blamed on Escaped Crocodile
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REPUBLIC OF CONGO-A plane crash that killed 20 is being blamed on a crocodile. The lone survivor told investigators a hidden crocodile escaped from a passenger's sports bag and caused a stampede in the cabin, throwing the small plane off balance. The crocodile lived through the crash, only to be killed by a blow from a machete. The plane was on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport in Bandundu, when the incident occurred. The survivor is quoted in an inquiry report, saying the crocodile escaped as the plane began its descent. With the creature on the lose, panic ensued. "The terrified air hostess hurried towards the cockpit, followed by the passengers," recounted the survivor. With the plane suddenly off-balance, it went out of control and crashed into a house a few hundred feet from the airport. When emergency crew members approached the wreckage the crocodile slithered out and was dispatched. "There are lots of reasons to prohibit international trade of exotic species, and what happens when a croc gets loose on a plane is just another one," said Mott Abel, head of the International Exotic Species Protection Organization.
Wolves Chase Cop on Freeway
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MOSCOW, Russia- A police officer had to dive for cover when a pack of wild wolves started chasing him on an urban freeway. The shocked officer had just pulled over a motorist on the highway, then suddenly, spotted a pack of maurauding wolves behind him and had to jump into the car he had just stopped. The officer had to stay inside until the 10-strong pack of wolves decided to leave, during which time he opted to not give the driver a ticket. Wolves have been in the news in Russia including an attack in which wolves charged shoppers in a Moscow supermarket parking lot, then scavenging grocery bags dropped by the scared city dwellers. The grey wolves appear to have overcome any fear of humans in their search for food. Some older Moscovites believe they might also be communists because they all did equal work in the attacks.
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