September 20, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Monkeys Grab Woman's Chalupa
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ISLA MUEJERES, Mexico- The sea monkeys used to be a tourist attraction for local resorts but since they have become aggressive food thieves they are now driving them away. And some are suing. "How can they keep these filthy things around here? One of the little beasts stole my Chalupa and I was really hungry. That thing ruined my vacation," said Mary Kay Kapingst, who brought legal action against the hotel which hosts the sea monkeys. "They are awfully grabby things, those monkeys. I think it wasn't just the food they were after."
Weight Lifting Chimp Likes Hairless Look
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SAN DIEGO, California- Arnold the chimpanzee is the strongest chimp at the San Diego Zoo. His trainers loved to show him videos of human weight lifting competitors to see if he would imitate their behavior. Well, that's when things went too far. Not only did Arnold start lifting rocks and logs in an attempt to bulk up but he somehow shaved his body hair to look more like his body hairless human heroes. "If he could oil himself up I think he would," said head trainer Bengt Durkee. "Arnold must have snatched one of our razors when he was in the locker room and has been shaving himself ever since. We knew they liked to imitate us, but this kind of scares me."
Gay Vultures Forced to Be Straight
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MUNSTER, Germany– German zoo keepers are forcing two male vultures who prefer nesting together to mate with females, sparking outrage from gay rights activists who accuse the zoo of discriminating against birds of a different feather. The trouble began when Guido and Detlef, two Griffon vultures, decided to move in together. The lovebirds began crafting a two-man nest in a communal birdcage. Both males enjoyed one another's company much more than that of any female and spent their days grooming one another and fortifying their nest. The purpose of their captivity in zoos is to allow them to reproduce in safe environments, and later reintroduce them into the wild. Zookeepers decided that Guido and Detlef's living arrangements weren't helping that goal. So last week, Guido was shipped to a zoo in the Czech Republic, where a bride awaited him but so far, Detlef and the Czech bird haven't touched one another. "As a joke someone played a Barbara Streisand CD into the enclosure and Detlef seemed happy for the first time since he's been here," said Barbel Meshkat, director of public relations. "Maybe Detlef is just really gay and we should butt out."
Transvestism In Simians Is Proved
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TOULOUSE, France- Bobo is a male monkey who is never happy unless he's dressed up like Bette Midler and putting on a show. "Oh my god, does Bobo go into a funk if he hasn't been able to do his Divine Miss M routine for awhile," said Collette Archambeau, director of media relations. And Dr. Michel Delatoille, head of primate research at the Giverny Institute claims Bobo is proof of transvestism in primates. "Unless monkeys are capable of making a deviant life style choice Bobo is proof that sexuality with all its styles, subsets and piccadilloes is innate. When you see him lip synch to "Wind Beneath My Wings" you know this is just something he has to do."
Resort Town Rethinks Bull Fighting
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ZIHUATANEJO, Mexico- Town elders believed that tourist visits would increase if traditional bull fighting was brought back to this former fishing village. But the opening day for the brand new bull fighting stadium proved to be a public relations disaster. "El Toro de Muerte," the Bull of Death, a powerful animal of famous lineage, was brought in for the opening festivities and within seconds of being released proceeded to jump into the stands and chase the crowd away. "Sadly, some Americans were scared right back over the border," said Pepe LaPaz, spokesman for the area Chamber of Commerce. "Between this and the drug violence I don't think they'll ever come back."
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