January 21, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Carp Loving Atheist Grosses Out Bible Camp
QUINCY, Illinois- The Mount Bethel Bible Camp has always gotten along with its neighbors. But devout atheist Teddy Tesla is not playing nice. Tesla's property is just down the shore from the camp and when canoes filled with devout Baptists float by he pretends to be in love with a carp. "You should see the counselors yell at the kids, telling them not to look, that what I'm doing is a sin. It's a carp. How crazy are these people? They think something is really happening between us. These people see the devil everywhere. Sometimes I can't stop laughing." Mount Bethel lawyers are considering legal action but authorities suggest the camp will just have to wait until Tesla no longer catches such large and attractive carp.
Leaping Carp Louse Up Lunch
BATH, Illinois- Barney and Charlene Dodge always celebrate Mother's Day by talking a boat ride on the Illinois River and having a picnic lunch prepared by Barney. "Ever since our kids left home Barney's always made sure we did something nice on Mother's Day but this time a 60 pounder landed smack dab in our pasta salad, then slapped me in the face with his tail. We wouldn't have eaten the salad anyway but my dentures went flying in the river so I was out of luck either way."
"They Are Working Together"
MORRO BAY, California- Milton Abelle has always felt tormented by the red wing black birds in his neighborhood. And now he is convinced they are working with red tail hawks to do some real damage. "When they dived bombed me in the past it was annoying. Now that they are steering the heavy artillery I think they are going for blood," said the frightened senior.
Ray Leaps Into Boat and Puts Moves on Woman
MARCO ISLAND, Florida- An eagle ray weighing over 300 pounds landed on top of a woman cruising the Florida Keys, throwing her to the boat's deck and pinning her underneath its massive wings. Jenny Hausch was on the chartered boat with her husband and three children, taking pictures of rays as they flew out of the water. Then suddenly one came right at Hausch, knocked her flat, wrapped her up in its wings and hugged her repeatedly. She said "That ray reminded me of a very awkward boy friend I had in college. Being under that ray felt just like being with Chuck except Chuck smelled better." Hausch was released from the hospital with only minor injuries, while her kids got pictures they said they can't wait to post on Facebook.
Bull Ruins Fishing Trip
ZIAHUATANEJO, Mexico- Two Americans on a fishing vacation almost ended up sleeping with the fishes because of an angry bull. Ben Finkelstein said, "The last thing you'd figure to face loading gear onto a fishing boat is a bull. But I was taking some fishing nets out of the van and there it was coming straight at me. Guess what is not going to stop an angry bull going 20 miles per hour? A fishing net. We headed for the water and dove in. Before I got up to the surface I had this image of the bull diving in and coming after us, and then saw just its horns, like the shark fin in "Jaws," following me. I'll probably have dreams like that for the rest of my life." The bull had escaped from a bull fighting ring two kilometers away and headed right for the ocean, according to witnesses.
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