September 20, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Police Shoot Lawn Ornament
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INDEPENDENCE, Missouri- A resident called police claiming his children spotted an alligator while playing in the woods. Officers responded and shot the reptile as it lurked menacingly in the weeds leading to a nearby pond. It wasn't until the second shot bounced off the 'gator's head that the officers realized they had mortally wounded a concrete lawn ornament. Tom Gentry, a police spokesman said, "The first clue was the thing didn't move after being shot in the head, twice. But we now know our officers can hit a non-moving object the size of an alligator two out of two times." The concrete alligator was put there to scare kids off the owner's property. Before leaving the officers suggested a No Trespassing sign be used instead.
Bear Takes Vacation In Rain Barrel
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NEDERLAND, Colorado- Marcus Lesher has tried to make his property as "green" as possible. Rain barrels collect what he hopes to use to water his plants. Except when a black bear keeps plopping itself into those rain barrels and dumping most of the water on the ground. "I am never surprised to see bears sniffing around here but why does this one have to drop his butt into all my barrels? All I am going to have left in the yard is cactus."
Bear Ruins Vacation and Engagement
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MT. SHASTA, California- Bubba Brown hoped to introduce his fiance, Lina, to the joys of life in the outdoors and pave the way for a future spent together camping. And then they came back from a hike to see a bear destroying Lina's car. And now their planned marriage is off. "She freaked. I offered to pay to have her car fixed but now she really just wants to move on."
Canadian Aerial Assault on American
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BAY COUNTY, Michigan- A 12-pound Canada goose crashed through the windshield of a sport utility vehicle injuring the driver who suffered cuts on her face when the honker suddenly crashed through the vehicle's windshield. Sgt. Peter Pickelman, a 22-year veteran of the fire department, called it "a first in all my years answering emergencies calls. But it made me think, I'd hate to see what would have happened if this goose was the leader and the rest of the flock had flown in there, too."
Carp Loving Atheist Grosses Out Bible Camp
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QUINCY, Illinois- The Mount Bethel Bible Camp has always gotten along with its neighbors. But devout atheist Teddy Tesla is not playing nice. Tesla's property is just down the shore from the camp and when canoes filled with devout Baptists float by he pretends to be in love with a carp. "You should see the counselors yell at the kids, telling them not to look, that what I'm doing is a sin. It's a carp. How crazy are these people? They think something is really happening between us. These people see the devil everywhere. Sometimes I can't stop laughing." Mount Bethel lawyers are considering legal action but authorities suggest the camp will just have to wait until Tesla no longer catches such large and attractive carp.
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