April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Bear Ruins Vacation and Engagement
MT. SHASTA, California- Bubba Brown hoped to introduce his fiance, Lina, to the joys of life in the outdoors and pave the way for a future spent together camping. And then they came back from a hike to see a bear destroying Lina's car. And now their planned marriage is off. "She freaked. I offered to pay to have her car fixed but now she really just wants to move on."
Canadian Aerial Assault on American
BAY COUNTY, Michigan- A 12-pound Canada goose crashed through the windshield of a sport utility vehicle injuring the driver who suffered cuts on her face when the honker suddenly crashed through the vehicle's windshield. Sgt. Peter Pickelman, a 22-year veteran of the fire department, called it "a first in all my years answering emergencies calls. But it made me think, I'd hate to see what would have happened if this goose was the leader and the rest of the flock had flown in there, too."
Carp Loving Atheist Grosses Out Bible Camp
QUINCY, Illinois- The Mount Bethel Bible Camp has always gotten along with its neighbors. But devout atheist Teddy Tesla is not playing nice. Tesla's property is just down the shore from the camp and when canoes filled with devout Baptists float by he pretends to be in love with a carp. "You should see the counselors yell at the kids, telling them not to look, that what I'm doing is a sin. It's a carp. How crazy are these people? They think something is really happening between us. These people see the devil everywhere. Sometimes I can't stop laughing." Mount Bethel lawyers are considering legal action but authorities suggest the camp will just have to wait until Tesla no longer catches such large and attractive carp.
Leaping Carp Louse Up Lunch
BATH, Illinois- Barney and Charlene Dodge always celebrate Mother's Day by talking a boat ride on the Illinois River and having a picnic lunch prepared by Barney. "Ever since our kids left home Barney's always made sure we did something nice on Mother's Day but this time a 60 pounder landed smack dab in our pasta salad, then slapped me in the face with his tail. We wouldn't have eaten the salad anyway but my dentures went flying in the river so I was out of luck either way."
"They Are Working Together"
MORRO BAY, California- Milton Abelle has always felt tormented by the red wing black birds in his neighborhood. And now he is convinced they are working with red tail hawks to do some real damage. "When they dived bombed me in the past it was annoying. Now that they are steering the heavy artillery I think they are going for blood," said the frightened senior.
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