April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

"We're Surrounded By Moose Babies"
KETCHUM, Idaho- It's not uncommon for those living in the ex-urbs to see wildlife but for suburban homeowners to have their yards turned into moose nurseries is new. Dottie and Darrell Tzsuka can no longer plant spring bulbs, prepare their garden or practice their short games on their putting green because they have a "baby moose infestation," in their yard. And there is nothing they can do about it. "The DNR says 'leave 'em alone,' and even if you try, they don't seem to be scared by much. I tried yelling at one and then beeping my horn and it just stared at me."
Cat Has To Sleep On Banister
IOWA CITY, Iowa- Cletus the Cat, has always been quirky, even for a cat. But his new habit of refusing to sleep anywhere but wrapped over a banister has led to some unfortunate moments for eight year old Christy Cletus, who suffers from nervous bowel syndrome. Several times during the night, Christy wakes and half-asleep, walks through the dark to the bathroom. And when her hand hits Cletus on the banister an eight year old human and cat both scream. "It happens every night. Her bowels were nervous enough before Cletus started this banister thing, now it's worse," said her mother who is considering crate training her cat.
I'll Rub Yours For Food
HOUSTON, Texas- Richard C. Johnson believes he has witnessed the first proof of non-human capitalism. A veterinarian at the Houston County Zoo, Johnson observes several species of monkeys on a day to day basis and according to him a female named Lola is in business as a masseuse. Various species of monkeys visit Lola for a thorough rub down and "pay her with food and shiny objects they find," according to Johnson. "I saw one Howler monkey give Lola a quarter after a long massage and that's when it occurred to me what was going on."
Bird Smile Signal To Rest of Flock
PENSACOLA, Florida- Birds have been observed recently flying in formations that seem to have some sort of symbolic intent. "We see smiles formations, arrows that point, and one day we thought we saw a bird question mark," reports resident Cindy Coyle. "I don't know what it means but I am keeping an eye on them."
Tyke Taunts Terrible Tom
AUSTIN, Texas- One of the great rodeo bulls of all time, Terrible Tom, has been retired to the Lazy D ranch owned by James J. "Jimmy" Morin. When Jimmy Jr. first met Terrible Tom he was a little intimated but now his dad says "Jimmy ain't backin' down from Terrible T, in fact, he's buckin' for a fight. I don't know what he thinks he's doing but Junior has a 'tude 'bout T.T. T.T. had enough one day and shoved Junior into the dust. Kind of funny. Hope my little guy learned something. Don't pick a fight with a bull."
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