August 19, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Did Squirrels Direct Heist of Walnut Truck?!?
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REDDING, California- Authorities are investigating two thefts of more than 80,000 pounds of walnuts from Northern California valued at about $300,000. The Tehama County Sheriff's Office reported that a 40,000-pound truckload of walnuts never arrived in Miami as they were supposed to. Authorities believe the culprit is the same man who picked up another load of walnuts intended for Texas that also disappeared. Deputies say the man who picked those walnuts up was, in fact, not the person hired for the job. "We saw the surveillance cam and the guy that drove off looked a lot like the guy they had hired (but who had showed up days late) so we have an idea what happened. Weird thing though, as he walked to the truck a squirrel ran up to him, stopped in front of him for a sec(ond) and then ran off. Almost made you think something was up," said Sheriff Dave Little.
Crazy Cow Hates God
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GAZA CITY, Gaza- A spooked cow killed a Palestinian man who was trying to slaughter the beast during the Muslim celebration of Eid al-Adha, a Gaza health official said. Muslims around the world slaughter sheep, cows and goats during the four-day holiday but accidents are common as people frequently slaughter animals themselves instead of paying professional butchers. The festive atmosphere at the site of the slaughtering also tends to make the animals fidgety. The man who died was trampled to death and another three people were seriously injured when the cow ran wild when it saw the sword being raised over its neck. In all, 150 people were hospitalized in the Palestinian territory with knife wounds or other injuries caused by animals trying to break away during the holidays. One local vegetarian man said "I have never been trampled by hummus... just sayin'."
Neither Rain Nor Snow Nor Gloom of Night... But Fighting Moose...
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KETCHIKAN, Alaska- The Postal Service shouldn't amend its famous credo on what won't stop them from their appointed rounds to include fighting moose, according to mail carrier Andrew Kangas. "I wanted to get to my deliveries done, I know Bucky Holtz was expecting to see if she got accepted to the U but when you hear those racks banging against one another and something that size is crashing into your vehicle, you put it in gear and say, 'Manana.' And it's all over sex. Wouldn't it be better if there were moose pick up bars so they wouldn't have to do all this fighting on my route?"
Mountain Lions and Tigers and Bears
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DES MOINES, Iowa- A mountain lion roaming a Des Moines neighborhood was shot and killed by law enforcement because of its proximity to an elementary school. Police were called by a homeowner who spotted the cat under plants in his back yard and shot it when it made a "dashing move," to escape. The animal was 6 feet 3 inches long. Jeff Swearngin, a conservation officer from the Department of Natural Resources, said the animal was just roaming the area. But a resident of the neighborhood, Dooley Pepper, reported seeing a mountain lion at the Norwoodville Rec Center where dozens of children were outside playing and said "Don't predators always go for the sick, the elderly and the young? Why isn't that what this thing was here for?"
Skateboarder Tackled By Deer
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GOLDEN, Colorado- The Buffalo Bill Downhill is a treacherous skateboarding race and while buffaloes are not considered among the obstacles as skaters charge down a steep mountain road at break-neck speeds, deer ought to be. Ryan Vitale was racing downhill at 45 mph as he was tackled by a deer. The incident occurred just as Vitale was approaching the 180-degree turn called "The Gooch." Vitale said "What was the point of that? We only get the Gooch to ourselves once per year and a damn deer has to get across the road that bad right then! Like, what was so happening on the other side, dude? I mean, stay off the road deer! "
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