Crazy Cow Hates God
GAZA CITY, Gaza- A spooked cow killed a Palestinian man who was trying to slaughter the beast during the Muslim celebration of Eid al-Adha, a Gaza health official said. Muslims around the world slaughter sheep, cows and goats during the four-day holiday but accidents are common as people frequently slaughter animals themselves instead of paying professional butchers. The festive atmosphere at the site of the slaughtering also tends to make the animals fidgety. The man who died was trampled to death and another three people were seriously injured when the cow ran wild when it saw the sword being raised over its neck. In all, 150 people were hospitalized in the Palestinian territory with knife wounds or other injuries caused by animals trying to break away during the holidays. One local vegetarian man said "I have never been trampled by hummus... just sayin'."
Neither Rain Nor Snow Nor Gloom of Night... But Fighting Moose...
KETCHIKAN, Alaska- The Postal Service shouldn't amend its famous credo on what won't stop them from their appointed rounds to include fighting moose, according to mail carrier Andrew Kangas. "I wanted to get to my deliveries done, I know Bucky Holtz was expecting to see if she got accepted to the U but when you hear those racks banging against one another and something that size is crashing into your vehicle, you put it in gear and say, 'Manana.' And it's all over sex. Wouldn't it be better if there were moose pick up bars so they wouldn't have to do all this fighting on my route?"
Mountain Lions and Tigers and Bears
DES MOINES, Iowa- A mountain lion roaming a Des Moines neighborhood was shot and killed by law enforcement because of its proximity to an elementary school. Police were called by a homeowner who spotted the cat under plants in his back yard and shot it when it made a "dashing move," to escape. The animal was 6 feet 3 inches long. Jeff Swearngin, a conservation officer from the Department of Natural Resources, said the animal was just roaming the area. But a resident of the neighborhood, Dooley Pepper, reported seeing a mountain lion at the Norwoodville Rec Center where dozens of children were outside playing and said "Don't predators always go for the sick, the elderly and the young? Why isn't that what this thing was here for?"
Skateboarder Tackled By Deer
GOLDEN, Colorado- The Buffalo Bill Downhill is a treacherous skateboarding race and while buffaloes are not considered among the obstacles as skaters charge down a steep mountain road at break-neck speeds, deer ought to be. Ryan Vitale was racing downhill at 45 mph as he was tackled by a deer. The incident occurred just as Vitale was approaching the 180-degree turn called "The Gooch." Vitale said "What was the point of that? We only get the Gooch to ourselves once per year and a damn deer has to get across the road that bad right then! Like, what was so happening on the other side, dude? I mean, stay off the road deer! "
83 Year Old Woman Gouged By Beaver
FALLS CHURCH, Virginia- An elderly Virginia woman was savagely attacked by a 50-pound beaver after swimming in a Fairfax County lake. Lillian Peterson, 83, explained "I was coming out of the water and this beaver came after me," Peterson said. "He took a big chunk out of my leg before I tried to fight him off." A nearby fisherman rushed to Peterson’s aid and bludgeoned the beaver over the head with a heavy branch. Peterson has no doubt what would have happened to her had the angler not come to her rescue. "I would have been dead," she said. Tests revealed that the giant rodent was not only rabid but biologist Buck Holtz pointed out, "Predators always go for the sick, young or elderly. I think this beaver knew what it was doing. I'm not saying all beavers are feeding on humans, but we have to consider the possibility to them, we are just meat."