March 22, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

"Young Hitler" Scares Animal Lover/Vegetarian
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BOSTON, Massachusetts- Co-workers Derk Asmunder and Lilliam Lum never got along, but nobody thought the animosity would lead to a lawsuit. For years, Lum, a strict vegan and SPCA member, found it offensive that Asmunder "revels in eating meat in front of me. One day, he looked at his sandwich and said, 'Mmmm... puppy is good,' and I nearly passed out." That day, in a conversation with the Human Resources Department, Lum called Asmunder a "Young Hitler." The next day Asmunder showed up sporting a new haircut and eventually a mustache, which according to Lum is all designed to annoy her. HR specialist Kendra Saddlen said, "Who would have thought a love of animals and a mustache could put us all in court but here we go."
"I Think I Put a Bobcat in My Car"
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BANGOR, Maine- Police are warning people to be careful handling injured animals after a woman tried to rescue what she thought was a house cat she hit with her vehicle which turned out to be a bobcat. Police say the woman placed the injured animal in her van but while driving it became alert and the woman then realized she was driving with a wild bobcat in her back seat. The woman got out of the vehicle, followed by the bobcat which hid under the van and had to be euthanized, after being subdued by game wardens. Police Chief Jerry Balistrieri says people should be careful handling injured animals and recommends calling an animal control officer "Before Mrs. Magoo puts a bear in her station wagon thinking she hit a black lab."
Bear Loves Barbecue
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BARABOO, Wisconsin- Bears often haunt the areas humans live in because there are easy pickings for food. But usually those areas include garbage cans and coolers at a campsite, not your deck, and especially not your barbecue. But Cindy Coyle no longer gets to cook out because a local bear keeps showing up on her deck and waits for her to bring out the steak or brats or whatever she used to cook on her barbecue. "This bear thinks he is part of the family. He just waits for dinner. But I don't cook out there anymore. What if he doesn't like pork?"
Deer Loves Marlboro Lights
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WHITEHOUSE, Texas- One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks. Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose were standing in their front yard when a young buck walked in. The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it. Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up truck but before they got in the buck poked Rose in the ribs. Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not. "The deer climbed up into the truck cab, put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said. When Rose tried to get his cigarettes back, the buck got even more aggressive. That's when Rose and Kellis called the police. Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck. This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months. In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch. Rose thinks deer are becoming habituated to urban life and not only like it, but they want more. "How long before they prefer fast food to acorns," said the wounded Rose.
Did Squirrels Direct Heist of Walnut Truck?!?
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REDDING, California- Authorities are investigating two thefts of more than 80,000 pounds of walnuts from Northern California valued at about $300,000. The Tehama County Sheriff's Office reported that a 40,000-pound truckload of walnuts never arrived in Miami as they were supposed to. Authorities believe the culprit is the same man who picked up another load of walnuts intended for Texas that also disappeared. Deputies say the man who picked those walnuts up was, in fact, not the person hired for the job. "We saw the surveillance cam and the guy that drove off looked a lot like the guy they had hired (but who had showed up days late) so we have an idea what happened. Weird thing though, as he walked to the truck a squirrel ran up to him, stopped in front of him for a sec(ond) and then ran off. Almost made you think something was up," said Sheriff Dave Little.
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