February 19, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Squirrel Starts Fire Alarm Fire
OSWEGO, New York- A squirrel, which had taken up residence in Vin Webber's attic, did enough electrical wire chewing to start his fire alarm on fire. "Little devil shorted out the fire alarm so the contraption didn't even know it had started a fire. You'd think before it became disabled it might have noticed itself being on fire but it never went off." Webber isn't ready to say his fire alarm was targeted by the squirrel but "The wiring to the smoke alarm is all he got after."
Daniel "Wal-Mart Parking Lot" Boone
BURRELL TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania – A man is facing several charges after he went deer hunting in a Walmart parking lot. Arcangelo Bianco fired several rounds from a handgun at a 10-point white-tailed deer within the store’s parking lot, and then bagged the animal. Bianco was shopping at the store, and then saw the buck in the parking lot, hopped out of his truck and “began firing multiple rounds at the deer,” according to the Pennsylvania Game Commission who says Bianco faces charges of reckless endangerment, as well as several hunting violations, including hunting without a license, shooting on or across highways and unlawful killing or taking of big game. In his defense Bianco said "What does the 2nd amendment even mean anymore if I can't defend myself from a potentially charging deer? I figure that thing had it in for me but now he's the one whose cryin." Bianco's court date is set for May 1st.
Carp Causes Near Miss
SUONENJOKI, Finland- Mikkonen Bjorjnk, like many Finns, loves the full sauna experience, including the part where you jump through a hole in the ice of a frozen lake. And since several friends were coming over for a dinner party Bjorjnk wanted to enlarge the hole so everyone could jump in after relaxing in his sauna. Everything was going as planned until a large carp gave the back of his leg a hicky, which caused him to jump in mid downswing of his ax. "I short armed my swing and nearly shortened my putz," said the relieved to have missed Bjorjnk.
Zookeeper Injured After Gorillas Sneak Into Kitchen
CALGARY, Canada- A zookeeper was injured Friday while trying to corral some gorillas that managed to get into a locked kitchen at the Calgary Zoo. The secured kitchen is attached to their enclosure and filled with the gorilla's food, fruit, fresh vegetables and grain. But apparently the gorillas did not want to wait for humans to fix breakfast. After a few pots and pans got thrown, the chastised gorillas were chased back to where they belong. This isn't the first time the big primates have caused problems at the zoo. A gorilla named Barika menacingly paraded around her enclosure holding a knife that a zookeeper had left in the exhibit. No one was hurt, "But we sure saw Barika knew what a knife could do," said trainer Billy Jay.
Goose Haunts Kayakers
KISSIMEEHERE, Florida- Kayak vacations used to work well as a business for Scott Edwards but then a vicious goose moved in and ruined everything. "PEACEFUL PADDLES was a great business for me and the wife, but then this nasty honker came in, attacking everybody before they get far from shore and ruins everything. This damn bird has turned fun in the sun into screaming hell."
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