January 21, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Some Squirrel Traps Work
HOLLAND, Michigan- There has never been an effective way to trap or deter squirrels, until now. Tom and Debbie Bauman think they may have a way to catch squirrels. "They love seeds and nuts and when they climb up on this bird feeder they slide down and catch themselves and no more procreating is my guess," said a proud Debbie Bauman.
Turkeys Rule Neighborhood
MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota- Elijah Penschline thought he had seen it all but urban turkeys trapping him in his own home is a new one. "Damn things won't let me out of the house without rushing at me, wings flappin', spurs flyin'. I even tried wearing a hat and sunglasses but they recognized me. I'm running out of food," joked the retired machinist. It seems Penschline accidentally injured a poult this spring when his lawnmower ran over and then shot out a rock which injured the baby bird. Now, the flock is exacting its revenge.
"This Was the Worst Safari Ever"
KENJASA, Kenya- It's never a guarantee you are going to spot the wildlife you are hoping to see on safari, but it sure helps if you are looking in the right direction. Steve and Wendy Menzel went to Africa to see lions in their natural habitat and came home a little disappointed. "We saw lions alright, but only after they snuck up and nearly killed us. These idiot tour guides said they knew where the lions were but the lions knew where we were way better than the guides knew where they were," said the frustrated tourists.
Bitter Beaver Bites Man In Belarus
LAKE SHESTAKOV, Russia- A 60-year-old fisherman died after trying to get a picture of a beaver. On the way to his favorite fishing spot the angler saw the beaver and asked his friends to take a photo of the two of them. Just as the camera man was saying "cheese" the beaver grabbed onto the fisherman's thigh and severed an artery. Sergei Shilinchuk, an environmental official in Belarus said he'd never heard of a beaver killing someone but added, "The beaver has immensely powerful jaws; it can cut down a tree three feet wide, so keep that in mind when you get near one." Shilinchuk also said. "Apparently this guy has never seen a beaver's teeth, if he had he probably would have just walked on and gone fishing."
"I Tried To Rope A Deer"
ATHENS, Georgia- A story about a man who tried to rope a deer has been circulating on the internet for years and after reading it one local man felt he could do better than the author who comically detailed his failings at successfully wrangling a white tail. Don Gettlson is expected to recover from injuries he received after learning that it really is not a good idea to try to rope and control a deer. "Yeah, they are tougher than ya' think. Worst part is, my kids took pictures and now it's all over town, what I did."
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