April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Camel Ruins Petting Zoo Visit
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BAKERSFIELD, California- Kids love animals. And generally, they love to see them up close. Except when those animals take the children's heads into their mouths and belch. Bob and Mary Wendt brought their kids to the Happy Critters Petting Zoo and they were hoping for a memorable Disney kind of experience. What they got was a trip to the emergency room and a future, probably filled with nightmares. "We weren't warned to not go to this area, and all of a sudden, Steve's head is in a camel's mouth and then this big bellowing belch. At first we thought his skull was crushed but it was just a camel burp," said mother Mary Wendt.
Truck Drivin' Dog Freaks Out Other Drivers
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TRACY, California- Drivers in downtown Tracy put in a lot of calls to 911 after they saw a large dog driving a semi-truck through a busy part of town. Once police caught up with the vehicle they found out human driver, Bob Emmers, was crouching down so it would just look like Diesel, his 90 pound mutt, was behind the wheel. "Diesel might actually be able to steer this thing, at this point. He really loves it when I get low and make it look like he's driving. He loves the idea he looks like he's driving and when I get too close to someone he barks so I think he knows what's going on." Even though Emmers peeks over the dashboard, keeping an eye on the road police still cited him for reckless endangerment.
Some Squirrel Traps Work
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HOLLAND, Michigan- There has never been an effective way to trap or deter squirrels, until now. Tom and Debbie Bauman think they may have a way to catch squirrels. "They love seeds and nuts and when they climb up on this bird feeder they slide down and catch themselves and no more procreating is my guess," said a proud Debbie Bauman.
Turkeys Rule Neighborhood
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MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota- Elijah Penschline thought he had seen it all but urban turkeys trapping him in his own home is a new one. "Damn things won't let me out of the house without rushing at me, wings flappin', spurs flyin'. I even tried wearing a hat and sunglasses but they recognized me. I'm running out of food," joked the retired machinist. It seems Penschline accidentally injured a poult this spring when his lawnmower ran over and then shot out a rock which injured the baby bird. Now, the flock is exacting its revenge.
"This Was the Worst Safari Ever"
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KENJASA, Kenya- It's never a guarantee you are going to spot the wildlife you are hoping to see on safari, but it sure helps if you are looking in the right direction. Steve and Wendy Menzel went to Africa to see lions in their natural habitat and came home a little disappointed. "We saw lions alright, but only after they snuck up and nearly killed us. These idiot tour guides said they knew where the lions were but the lions knew where we were way better than the guides knew where they were," said the frustrated tourists.
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