April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

"Tongo Hates Raw Food"
GAULONGO, Congo- Naturalists love to study chimps in their natural habitat. It now seems the chimps have studying humans, too. Tongo, a Western Chimpanzee has not only made friends with the researchers at the Finesome Primate Center but wants to live like them. "Tongo just hates raw food at this point. He has seen us cooking for so long that is all that he wants. We have tried eating raw food to reindoctrinate him to raw food but now we have gotten the runs. And he is still cooking. Thanks a lot Tongo," said the Center's director, Dr. Michelle Weiss.
"Maybe Being On The Internet All Day Is Not A Bad Thing"
MARQUETTE, Michigan- Parents are told over and over they should limit their children's screen time to a bare minimum and promote outdoor activities. Easier said than done of course but more than a few families in the Park Ridge neighborhood are going the other way and demanding their kids not play outside at all because a mountain lion has taken a liking to their kids playground equipment. "I can't tell you how creepy it is to see a wild animal hanging out on the swing where your kid was an hour ago," said Dean Vander Elsen. "This cat just loves to swing. I expect we'll see him on the slide, too. Anyway, this summer my son spent so much time indoors online he figured out how to hack into the school's computer system and switched a few classes around. Maybe he has a future in tech."
Internet Browsing Kitty Caught By Computer Cam
ORAVILLE, California- Nina Symywhichz was having all kinds of trouble with her computer being infected by viruses and slowed by cookies and couldn't figure out why because she lives alone and is very careful about where she goes on the internet. Technicians suggested her computer was being remotely accessed by foreign hackers and she even thought local kids might be breaking into her house and using her PC to browse sites their parents wouldn't allow. But when she hooked up a camera that is activated whenever anyone touches the computer mouse Symywhichz was in for a surprise. Whenever she was out of the house her cat, Felicity, was browsing the internet on a regular basis. "I don't know what to think," said the frustrated Symywhichz. "Porno, Ebay, soccer sites... Felicity was all over the internet. And since I replaced the mouse with a touch pad she is morose. But I had to do it. Is it possible for a cat to be addicted to porn?"
Brazilian Man Killed By Cow Falling Through Roof
CARATINGA, Brazil- Joo Maria de Souza was killed in his sleep when a cow grazing on hill behind his home in Caratinga crashed through the roof above his bed. De Souza, 45, and his wife were in bed when the one-ton cow walked out onto their roof, causing it to collapse. It was the third such incident in recent years. Homes are often built into hillsides in the region and provide access for animals to get up onto structures. Malaquenia De Souza, the dead man's wife, said "I told Joao to kill the grass that was growing up there, that it was going to be a problem but he wouldn't listen. And for years he insisted he got to sleep on the side of the bed next to the night stand... and that's what killed him."
Naked Babes and Belugas
MURMANSK, Russia- Braving sub-zero temperatures, Natalia Avseenko has thrown caution and her clothes to the wind to tame two beluga whales in a unique and controversial experiment. Avseenko, 36, was persuaded to strip naked as marine experts believe belugas do not like to be touched by artificial materials such as diving suits. The skilled Russian diver took the plunge into waters below minus 1.5 degrees Centigrade. The taming of the whales happened near the Arctic Circle where the average human could die if left in sub-zero temperature sea water for just five minutes. However, Natalia is a yoga expert and used meditation techniques to hold her breath and stay under water for an incredible ten minutes and 40 seconds. One of the marine biologists instrumental in convincing Avseenko to work with him said "We certainly hope this technique is successful with the Belugas but if it isn't it certainly has made working in the Arctic Circle more interesting."
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