January 21, 2018

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Taxidermist Is Sued
HOUGHTON/HANCOCK, MICHIGAN- In many families hunting is a lifestyle passed on from generation to generation and bonds are forged while trying to bring home a wild game dinner or a trophy. The Baron Dikkleess family is the perfect example-the 84 year old patriarch Baron, recently took great grandson Dietrek bear hunting and the youngster took down a 450 pounder which Grandpa had stuffed and mounted to commemorate the event. And that is when the trouble started. The bear they got back from the taxidermist looked "Goofy... that's all I can say. The damn thing looks like a cartoon. Looks like something you wouldn't be proud of killin' that's for sure," said Baron Dikkleess. "I paid a bunch of damn money so that bear could stand stand in Dietrek's house and it looks like a damn joke." Taxidermist Frank Baum told reporters, "I'm sorry, but the kid shot the weirdest looking bear I have ever seen. Seriously, this bear must have been the class clown, it's how it looked alive so that's how it looks dead."
"I'm Ready For My Closeup Mr. DeMille"
HOLLYWOOD, California- Not much intimidates veteran show business agents and managers who routinely negotiate million dollar deals across the table from equally tough studio heads. But what does intimidate talent manager Jimmy Miller is a mountain lion that leaps over the hood of his Bentley. "It's happened six times now. This same cougar hides along the road up by my place and when I'm headed down the canyon, out of nowhere, it hops out of the brush, right over the hood... scares the hell out of me. One of these times I am going off the road. There's lots of people in town who want me dead but would a studio head have one of his wranglers train a mountain lion to do this? In this town, I guess it's possible."
Darting Deer Sends Weiner Out Of Control
BOULDER, Colorado- The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile is not known to do well in ice and snow. In fact, it is hard to handle in dry conditions and nearly impossible to parallel park. So every year the promotional vehicles are scheduled to head south before winter arrives. But delayed by a cracked axle one Weiner Mobile ended up driving through a snowstorm and when a deer bolted out into the road and its driver hit the breaks it became a spinning hot dog. "I am surprised the weiner didn't spin out of the bun, the way we were going round and round," said driver Rocky Wurst.
Turkeys Think Titleist is an Egg
MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota- Don Pavulkna golfs at least once a week at Gross National Golf Course and thought he had seen it all until the day last week where a flock of turkeys surrounded a golf ball and wouldn't let anyone near it. "My neighbor hit his approach shot short of the green just as this flock of turkeys was crossing the fairway and when we got up to the ball the turkeys just wouldn't move away from it. They charged at us and jumped up, kicking with their spurs... it was like they were protecting one of their eggs or something. It wasn't a lost ball but what do you do? My neighbor dropped a ball and chipped on from where the turkeys weren't but how do you score that?"
Moose Hunter Misses Moose, Hits Guy On Toilet
LILLEHUMPF, Norway- A moose hunter accidentally shot a man who was on the toilet. According to NewsSky.com, the shooter was aiming at a moose but missed it and his bullet pierced the wall of a home directly behind the animal striking Hadoot Hooten while he was on the toilet. Hooten, 70, was rushed to the hospital by helicopter and should survive. The moose escaped unharmed. The hunter could be charged for discharging a weapon near a domicile. Hooten was angry at being shot but also said that moose seems to have a plan. "This is what they do, these moose hang out near my cabin during hunting season and make me a target, too. It scares the hell out of me. Will somebody please come and get them away from here?"
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