April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Red Hot Monkey Deer Sex
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TOKYO, Japan- An unexpected pair has been caught in flagrante delicto and its on tape. Researcher Marie Pelé told Primates Journal she witnessed the second documented case of a monkey and a deer trying to mate. In the video, the macaque hops on the back of the female sika deer and attempts penetration but fails due to the size difference. The determined macaque gave it another try with two smaller female deer but penetrated neither. The researcher is not exactly sure why the macaques would bother with this unproductive behavior. But through further study they hope to understand this behavior and perhaps help clarify the psychology behind zoophilia (human sexual interest in other animals). Pele also noted "We don't have to worry about a deer/monkey hybrid, a four legged, leaping, jumping, antlered thing with thumbs that steal your car keys and drive off. At least, not yet but if this macaque stays at it, who knows."
Pig Takes Cat For Walks
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ALBANY, New York- You might think it'd be against the law to have your pig take your cat for a walk in New York but it is not. And assemblywoman Pauline Secord wants to change that. "Some people think it's cute but I think it's disgusting. Imagine the disease they are spreading," said the politician who lives in the neighborhood where the porcine feline couple do their strolling. "I don't know who owns these two but I am introducing legislation to make it mandatory for police to pick them up and their owner fined," reported the angry legislator. But some wonder if there even is a human owner. "Maybe these two are living on their own and we just don't know it. Pigs are very smart," said fellow neighbor Mary Holtz.
Would You Like a Head With Your Order
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GREEN BAY, Wisconsin- Packer tight end Jared Cook caused a stir when he tweeted a picture of a chicken head that came in his order from the Buffalo Wild Wings just down the street from Lambeau Field. "I started eating the first wing," Cook explained, "Then I saw the chicken head and immediately spit everything out." Cook said he drove back to the restaurant, where he was given a refund and this explanation: "Typically, this doesn't happen but that just means your food was really really fresh." Cook said. "OK, that doesn't make it any better. I'm really thinking of going vegetarian after this."
Bears Don't Appeciate Hiker in Their Bedroom
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LOS ANGELES, California- Dan Richman was hiking in Southern California when he spotted a bear standing on its hind legs. "I was pretty freaked out. You don't see bears often let alone standing up.” Richman started to back away but then, “I turn around and there’s a second bear coming up behind me." Soon Richman was on the ground with the second bears mouth around the back of his neck. "I didn't fight and stayed really still and eventually it just let me go." Why did the bears attack Richman? A game warden thought the two bears may have been a mating pair that was interrupted. "That's impossible to prove of course but I hope it was interrupting their mating session that made them fighting mad otherwise these bears are working together like a wolf pack and that is just a plain scary,” said Jake Lager of the California DNR.
"That Penguin Hates Me"
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UNITED NATIONS CLIMATE STATION, Antartica- Climate scientist Betsy Kelly is a logical person by training and nature. "I'm a fact based thinker, always have been. And I am sure this one penguin hates me. Every time I am watching our remote camera (to observe penguin mating habits) this one bird just freaks out and screams at the lens. I know it can't know I am inside (the lab) watching but this one angry bird only does it on my shift. It's just weird. Unless the other observers are lying and saying it's only happening to me. That could be the case. We get a little desperate for fun down here," said Kelly.
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