November 24, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Career Ends on a Sad Note
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SALAMANCA, Spain- Bernardo de Laguinita had been contemplating retirement from bull fighting for a few years but the popular matador couldn't quite pull himself out of the ring. Now, without assistance, he can't pull himself out of a chair. In what was certainly his last bullfight, Laguinita got "a little cocky with an unpredictable bull" and paid the price. "I turned my back on him for a moment and now I'll need diapers for the rest of my life," said the chagrined 42 year old.
"We're Not Alone"
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MONTGOMERY, Alabama- Debbie Sheeshman teaches Earth science at Kingfisher Elementary School in Montgomery, Alabama. Every year, like all teachers, she faces new challenges but for the first time ever while delivering a section on North America wildlife a black bear made an appearance outside her class window. The bear's appearance prompted one student to get his teachers attention, point at the bear and whisper to Sheeshman, "They're here." Sheeshman reminded everyone black bears prefer eating berries to students and calmed her kids down but later told parents "I'm describing what bears eat and suddenly there is one right outside the window looking at my kids. Too, weird."
"Ummm... Maybe we Should Run"
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POLK COUNTY, Florida- If Godzilla had a cousin it might be the alligator seen recently at the Circle B Bar Reserve in Lakeland, Florida. Kristi Buckley saw it and snapped some pictures just feet from the massive gator before having a sifferent thought- "Ummmm... maybe we should run. "That thing could eat a whole human for an appetizer. I probably should've been a little more afraid than I was when I was taking pictures but then I thought this was going to go down like a horror film with Godzilla coming down the path and stomping on us."
Red Hot Monkey Deer Sex
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TOKYO, Japan- An unexpected pair has been caught in flagrante delicto and its on tape. Researcher Marie Pelé told Primates Journal she witnessed the second documented case of a monkey and a deer trying to mate. In the video, the macaque hops on the back of the female sika deer and attempts penetration but fails due to the size difference. The determined macaque gave it another try with two smaller female deer but penetrated neither. The researcher is not exactly sure why the macaques would bother with this unproductive behavior. But through further study they hope to understand this behavior and perhaps help clarify the psychology behind zoophilia (human sexual interest in other animals). Pele also noted "We don't have to worry about a deer/monkey hybrid, a four legged, leaping, jumping, antlered thing with thumbs that steal your car keys and drive off. At least, not yet but if this macaque stays at it, who knows."
Pig Takes Cat For Walks
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ALBANY, New York- You might think it'd be against the law to have your pig take your cat for a walk in New York but it is not. And assemblywoman Pauline Secord wants to change that. "Some people think it's cute but I think it's disgusting. Imagine the disease they are spreading," said the politician who lives in the neighborhood where the porcine feline couple do their strolling. "I don't know who owns these two but I am introducing legislation to make it mandatory for police to pick them up and their owner fined," reported the angry legislator. But some wonder if there even is a human owner. "Maybe these two are living on their own and we just don't know it. Pigs are very smart," said fellow neighbor Mary Holtz.
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