September 20, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

Rodeo Coverage Interrupted By Horse Attack
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HOUSTON, Texas- Rodeo fans were watching a much anticipated bucking bronco competition and just when former champ Skid Puckett was approaching a winning time the camera suddenly pointed at the rafters. While TV viewers were perplexed and annoyed, the TV cameraman was in shock. "I've never felt pain like that," said Matt Johnson. "Damn thing musta' chomped down on a nerve or something. I knew I was shooting the rafters but I just couldn't move," said Johnson. The horse that did the biting, Spooky Tooth, has been banned from the Olde English 800 Champions Rodeo Tour.
"Looks Like They're Stoned"
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WASILLA, Alaska- Never look a gift horse in the mouth, is how the saying goes. Superintendent of Schools Sidney Whiplast used to think that admonition was good advice. That is until he saw the polar bear and cub that a local taxidermist donated to the high school for use in their front foyer display area. "Damn thing looks stoned," said Whiplast. "Last thing any high school needs is that stoner look being the first thing kids see when they walk in the door," added the angry official. Kent Carpooses Taxidermy offered the school the mother polar bear and cub saying their client disappeared and when they didn't pick the work up they wanted it to go to good use but insiders suggest after not getting paid for unsatisfactory work Carpooses saw the tax write off from his donation as the only way to make money from the time he spent on the project. Whiplast said, "I wouldn't be surprised if the guy who did this was stoned. And we certainly want it out of here."
Husband Watches Bear Drag Wife From Garage, Ponders Whether To Get Invovled
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SEMOLINA, Florida- A woman is recovering after being attacked by a bear after she walked into her open garage according to sheriff's deputies. The woman said five bears "of various sizes" were rooting through her trash when she walked in and then was "dragged away from the food and out into her driveway," leaving her with scrapes and cuts to her face and legs, Deputy Bunky Brenenstuhl said. The woman escaped the jaws of her attacker while her husband called 911. The victim's husband Robert Slayton said, "When I saw that bear dragging her out into the yard I thought, 'Do I pick up the phone or just see how this plays out? My wife is a bear cat. But the bear had her outweighed by a hundred pounds so I called the cops." Dave Telesco, head of the bear management, said "Get bear proof containers. If they can't find food in your neighborhood, they'll move on. And call 911 right away."
"Are Buildings Next"
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CHEVERINO, Italy- Alpine Ibexes amaze with their ability to climb sheer rock walls to lick stones for the salts they contain. The world's greatest climbers, these death-defying goats regularly graze their way up the almost vertical Gran Paradiso National Park dam. While some marvel, others worry. Paolo Pasquilino lives not too far from the dam and said "I have salt in my kitchen. Our building is made our stone, too. I don't think being on the third floor is going to stop these goats from getting in the house."
Woman Can't Get Rid Of Crabs
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BELIZE CITY, Belize- At certain times of year the animal world comes to life in surprising ways. For ocean crabs that time was right when Kelly Edwards stepped out onto the beach. "I walked out onto a deserted beach so my husband could take a picture 'cuz we were all alone, great shot, right? Then I turned around and I was surrounded by crabs. They didn't exactly attack me, but circled around me and when I tried to move away they circled me. Then they went back into the sand. I think we will go skiing next vacation."
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