April 29, 2017

Time Bedore - Standing Up

Best of Vague But True Vol 2

The Animal Conspiracy CD

"Up Periscope"
LACKAWASHISH, Kenya- If Darwin was right and species evolve then is it possible a giraffe could become a periscope for a zebra? That is exactly the question biologist Jake Scott is asking. "We know various species benefit from being around one another but have these two chosen to actively cooperate and use one another's physical attributes, knowingly, to protect themselves from predators? These zebras love bananas but until making friends with the giraffes they could never get fresh ones."
We Bring The Wildlife to You
KINGS TOWN, England- If you give customers a 100% money back guarantee if they don't see lions when they visit your animal park you might take steps to insure you never have to pay it. And one of those steps might be smearing blood on the underside of the 'people cage' your customers are standing in. When asked if using blood to entice lions to get come sniffing around was a common practice Animal Kingdom Adventure spokesman Marty Blokman said "No comment," but visitor Sally Minton has a different story. "I saw them smear something red from a bucket under the truck right before we took off and those lions came up and looked hungry. It was way too scary for me and the kids."
"Don't Eat My Baby"
KENSHASHA NATIONAL PARK, Kenya- Tourists witnessed a unique scene when a Negril baboon lost her baby to a lioness who then refused to let the baby baboon out of her sight. The sad biological mother sat forlornly nearby while the lioness acted as if the baby baboon was now hers to raise. "Maybe Q45 (the lioness) is just fattening up baby 'boon to be a better snack in a few weeks," opined park zoologist Dincqee Dotter. "Usually they never pass up monkey veal."
Rodeo Coverage Interrupted By Horse Attack
HOUSTON, Texas- Rodeo fans were watching a much anticipated bucking bronco competition and just when former champ Skid Puckett was approaching a winning time the camera suddenly pointed at the rafters. While TV viewers were perplexed and annoyed, the TV cameraman was in shock. "I've never felt pain like that," said Matt Johnson. "Damn thing musta' chomped down on a nerve or something. I knew I was shooting the rafters but I just couldn't move," said Johnson. The horse that did the biting, Spooky Tooth, has been banned from the Olde English 800 Champions Rodeo Tour.
"Looks Like They're Stoned"
WASILLA, Alaska- Never look a gift horse in the mouth, is how the saying goes. Superintendent of Schools Sidney Whiplast used to think that admonition was good advice. That is until he saw the polar bear and cub that a local taxidermist donated to the high school for use in their front foyer display area. "Damn thing looks stoned," said Whiplast. "Last thing any high school needs is that stoner look being the first thing kids see when they walk in the door," added the angry official. Kent Carpooses Taxidermy offered the school the mother polar bear and cub saying their client disappeared and when they didn't pick the work up they wanted it to go to good use but insiders suggest after not getting paid for unsatisfactory work Carpooses saw the tax write off from his donation as the only way to make money from the time he spent on the project. Whiplast said, "I wouldn't be surprised if the guy who did this was stoned. And we certainly want it out of here."
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