"He's A Long Way From Ice"
BERING, Alaska- Marine Biologist Shekter Lasse studies the effects of global warming on marine mammals. While it has been long thought polar bears might be the most endangered species Lasse now thinks they may learn to adapt to a non-polar habitat. "I was checking for levels of krill hundreds of kilometers away from any ice or polar bear range and there this guy was, scared the hell out of me. Maybe they will learn to live in the forest. It'll look weird at first to see white bears walking through trees but cool at the same time."
They Haven't Made The Crate That Can Hold Me, Yet
FRESNO, California- After alienating her neighbors and several visits from the police Brenda Beck had to do something about her loud parrot named Sophie. "I was told to quiet her down, get rid of her or put her to sleep," said Beck. According to Beck when she lived in Los Angeles across a canyon from Connie Chung and her husband Maury Povich Sophie learned to mimic Chung yelling "Maury! Mauryyyyyyyyy! "They must have been newlyweds cuz' those two were at it all the time and Connie just bellowed his name and it echoed all over the canyon. We'd hear "Maury" and I'd say "Connie Chung" so now Sophie just screeches "Connie Chung... MAURYYYYYYY" all day long until I come home. I was hoping putting her in the dog crate would change things but Sophie figured a way out. I guess I need to move back to L.A.," said Beck.
"They Used To Let Us Ride Them"
PETERSBURG, Kentucky- The Creation Museum doesn't claim to have unearthed a dinosaur wearing a saddle but they do think dinosaurs were once so nice humans used to ride them. "Then man turned from God and the dinosaurs would no longer give them rides. That's not a coincidence. God put animals on Earth to serve man as long as man served God. Today we might have cats doing the laundry if we would all walk in the way of the Lord," said museum publicity director James J. Morin. The museum's exhibit of a dinosaur with a saddle is a recreation meant to show mankind what could be if we achieve unconditional love from the Creator.
PBS Airs Porpoise Porn Show
LONDON, England- Animal researcher Margaret Howe Lovatt studied dolphins near the U.S. Virgin Islands in the '60s. She worked with a pubescent male named Peter and one thing led to another and for Lovatt to get Peter to focus on his training she had to help the aroused 300 pounder achieve a climax. "It seemed to be the right thing to do at the time. I didn't enjoy it, Peter did and because it allowed us to get back to work that's all that mattered," said the unashamed Lovatt.
"They Work Together"
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TETAGOUCHI, Botswana- Survival of the fittest usually means kill or be killed but it now may include help the other guy kill and not be killed. "We've seen it happening more and more, the pelicans act as a periscope for the crocs and guide them to prey and the crocs then leave the pelicans alone. They used to get eaten. Now they swim around like the own the place," said Suamico National Park superintendent Sag Nagola.