TOKYO, Japan- A bear injured nine people at a highway rest stop in central Japan before being shot dead in a souvenir shop by a hunter. "We don't normally get hunters in here but we're so lucky he happened by, and with a gun," said shop owner Shinya Miyakoshi. Reports said the attack lasted about an hour and all of the victims were expected to survive. While in the souvenir shop the rampaging bear destroyed a display of stuffed bears sold to tourists who come to the area to see bears.

LONDON, England- The deaths of no fewer than four people after being trampled by cows in the past two months has prompted Britain's main farming union to issue a warning about the dangers of provoking the normally docile animals. The current spate of attacks by cows began when Liz Crowsley, a veterinary surgeon, was crushed against a wall and then trampled underfoot while out walking with her two dogs. The fourth fatal attack claimed the life of Harold Lee, a 75-year-old farmer from Burtle in the West Country. He was killed by his own herd. "England has always been nice to her cows and this is how they repay us," said Minister of the Interior, Ian Smithwell Baker. "Would they like it better if we treated them like they do in Spain?"

MARCO ISLAND, Florida- John Chiricotti was heading to the harbor to launch his boat when a sea gull swooped in and stole the bagel he was eating right out of his hand. "I had the bagel in my left hand, which was kind of half in and half out the window, and a gull swooped in, snatched it, and I was starving and now had nothing to eat so I got mad and spaced out and instead of backing the boat down the ramp into the water I just drove right in."

LOS ANGELES, California- Jennifer Cates was attending a fund raiser at the Los Angeles Zoo when the beauty queen got more than she bargained for from a randy Oranutang. And her husband, Kurt, didn't think it was an innocent mistake for the young juvenile known as Roscoe to goose, fondle and otherwise get uncomfortably close to Jennifer. "I swear that monkey knew he could get away with it because he was a 'cute ape' but he was just horny. If he was further up the evolutionary ladder he'd be in jail on assault charges. Roscoe knows nobody suspects him, so he kept after Jen'. He wanted to go homo sapien and got away with it."

NEW YORK, New York- Metro Water Works officials are again asking residents to not flush their exotic pets into the city's sewer systems. "We end up losing a few sanitation workers to Post-Traumatic-Stress-Syndrome every year, after they open up a manhole and out comes a nine-foot alligator," said Harris Goldberg. "Crocs and 'gators may go down the toilet as little bitty things. But when our guys see 'em they are much bigger and really hacked off about having to live down there."

PINELLAS COUNTY, Florida- An intoxicated man was arrested in Florida after pretending to drown and then throw jellyfish at innocent teenagers who swam near to save him. Keith Marriott, 41, had been drinking on the beach for several hours, then went into the ocean, dunked himself, mimicking drowning according to the Pinellas County Sheriff's report. That's when the jellyfish started flying. The drunken man, who cops later found was hiding a pocketknife in his shorts, and had a pre-existing wound, began tossing the sea creatures at teenagers who were swimming nearby. Police officers said, "A drunk guy with an open wound and a concealed knife faked his own drowning and then flung live jellyfish at teenagers. Believe it or not, this happens all the time. But the jellyfish somehow didn't sting the guy who grabbed them. Maybe the jellyfish hate teens like everyone else."

MARY CAY, Grand Turks- If you think swimming through schools of tiny tropical fish is going to make for a great vacation photo you may want to consider what happened to Les Elias. "After three went in my nose I reflexively opened my mouth but then five more rushed in there, like they were waiting. I nearly choked to death." His wife Bonnie snapped a picture right before the attack.

BURLINGTON, Iowa- Van Denerson has seen lots of movies while traveling the rail lines of America working for Burlington Northern. "I usually bring DVDs but downloaded "The Taking of Pelham 1,2,3" and an old classic, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," for this last trip and just got done watching them and suddenly our train is attacked by a deer. I saw that deer wait for us to pass under the overpass trestle and then jump on top and then stomp around up there until we shut our engines down. Should have kept going. Damn thing just jumped off and ran away but it got us way off schedule."

DALLAS, Texas- Photos purporting that a squirrel was at famous events from history are surfacing on the internet but are not amusing to everyone. Therese Felton, Director of the Texas School Book Depository Assassination Tour and Museum, said "Oswald acted alone and to say a squirrel was involved is just plain stupid. You wouldn't believe the calls we get when stuff like this comes out. I had to convince 14 different people, today, that a squirrel could not have been part of a conspiracy to kill JFK. They hear this stuff on the radio and get crazy."

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota- A photo of a squirrel ruining a vacation photo has become a hit on the interent. But don't be fooled. While squirrels are evil they are not everywhere, says comedian Tim Bedore. "I have seen photos of squirrels being at the Hindenburg crash and with John Wilkes Booth but those images are the work of some sort of digital photo editing program. I can't convince the world of how squirrels want to bring down the Western world with phony evidence," said the conspiracy obsessed comedian.