... well thank you very much. Can anybody in America tell the truth, anymore? A few weeks ago, you probably heard Greg Mortenson, author of Three Cups of Tea, made it up. He didn’t tumble off K2 nearly dead, wasn’t kidnaped by the Taliban, the money you gave to his charity didn’t build schools for girls in Afghanistan like he said it did. Donald Trump has been lying about the extent of his comb over. The Cubs don’t have all the necessary pieces in place. Is there any truth left in America?
Well, my friends, if you want honesty, integrity, truth it’s right here in chapter five of my autobiography Forest of Ennui. Chapter Five– On October 14th, 1979 Walter Cronkite did not have this story on the evening news– Three Soviet officials were killed by a teenage assassin who destroyed their frontal lobes by shoving #2 pencils into their nostrils, all in 1.6 seconds, then escaped into the Vienna night. Maybe I should have Googled it to see if this caper is still classified but Yes, I was a teenage assassin for the U.S. government.
Was I CIA? No. NSA? No. Navy Seal? No. I was an assassin for the Coast Guard. Sounds odd I know, and perhaps I shouldn’t be saying this publicly but in the 70's our nation’s most elite assassins worked for the Coast Guard. Why? Because it sounds ridiculous and that’s why we got away with it. As far as foreign intelligence agencies knew I was just a Wisconsin kid who patrolled the Neenah/Menasha harbor in a 15 foot Alumacraft reminding boaters to carry life jackets for all onboard and thus the last guy the Rooskis would expect to be their mortal enemy.
And that is how I could slip into Austria and the 1979 SALT 2 treaty talks undetected. Why were these Soviet diplomats targeted? I have no idea because the Coast Guard doesn’t ask questions. Somebody is drowning, you throw a flotation device, Soviet moles need killin’, you sharpen Ticonderoga #2's, wait till they look up the skirt of a dancer at the Krotchen Platzen strip club and “thoop, thoop, thoop,” three dead Rooskis before Helga is down to her G-string.
Was I working alone? No. I had a European ally from NATO to partner with on these missions. You know that guy from the Dos Equis commercials who is the Most Interesting Man in the World? He was my partner. His real name is Leonardo Trevino, which he shortened to Lee cuz’ when we checked into hotels “Lee Trevino” always made desk clerks look up. Fun guy.
Lee Trevino got into the assassin game in an even more bizarre way than me. He was an actor and in his first year in college performed in a play called Noche del Muerte, Night of the Death, where he played an assassin and just stayed in character. He took the method acting thing very seriously. And our governments guessed right, a teenage actor from Barcelona and a Coast Guard cadet from Wisconsin can pretty much go undetected all through Europe.
One night we were blowing up the yacht of a hash smuggler from Turkey and a shark that had to be 15 feet long brushed past me and I thought we were done for but in the moonlight I saw it go nose to nose with Lee Trevino and they just looked into each other’s eyes, had a staring contest for 20, 30 seconds, and then the shark left. He is the most interesting man in the world.
We made the world safer and I am very proud to say it was me who turned Leonardo onto beer. As Lee says in the commercials, he doesn’t always drink beer, and never had until one night in Prague. We were waxing some guy on a barge, forget who, doesn’t matter, I think he was an Italian communist because the last thing he said was “Mama Mia,” and in Czechoslovakia, after you smother some poor bastard with a throw pillow you unwind with a beer. We were snorkeling in the Danube, which tastes awful, so you cleanse your palate with a pilsner.
Now, it was our tradition, after hearing the last gurgle of life leave a target for Lee to whisper in his ear “Sangria, por favor!” He was ordering Sangria from a dead guy. Very funny. Well, that night in Prague, after all the shaking was over Lee whispered “Cervece Fria, por favor” which is Spanish for cold beer. We nearly peed our pants. Good, good times. And he had his 1st beer.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to announce Lee and I are, once again, combining forces. Half the proceeds from my book and his Dos Equis commercials are going to charity. I came up with issues, things I am passionate about supporting, put them in a hat, he put locations of the world he wants to help in another, we pulled one from each and that is why today I am proud to announce Lee Trevino and I will be building Hockey Camps in Egypt. So, when you buy Forest of Ennui, or drink Dos Equis, you will be helping Egyptian girls learn to skate. With your help, all over the Sahara there will be Lee and Tim’s Three Cups of Sand Hockey Camps. So, instead of getting a copy of that lying bastard that didn’t fall off the mountain’s book, make me rich, buy mine, Forest of Ennui. And to my good friend Lee Trevino, may I say, Stay Interesting my friend.
A woman and her baby get on the bus and the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on and found a seat next to an elderly man who said, "You shouldnít take that from him. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. You go on up there and get his badge number and Iíll hold your monkey for you."
A young man, trying to find his way in life, decides to become a monk. He takes a vow of silence which can be broken every seven years to say just two words. After the first seven years the man stands up after lunch and says, "Food bad." Seven more years go by and he says "Floor cold." After another seven years the man says, "I quit." One of the monks shakes his head and says, "Iím not surprised. You havenít stopped bitchiní since you got here."
A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy told his friend I think itís wonderful after all the years youíve been married you still call your wife those pet names. His buddy said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man," he asked.
"Iím not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "Iím a Census Taker."
"A what," the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"Well", the old man answered, "I have no idea. I canít even remember if I put my teeth in this morning."
A frog with magical powers came upon a bear who was chasing a rabbit. He told them if they could learn to be friends he would give them each three wishes. The bear said I want every bear in the forest to be female, except for me. There was a magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit said I want a helmet. The bear and frog thought that request odd but so be it. There was a magical sound and it was done.
Then the bear said I want all the bears in the forest next-door to be female, too. There was a magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit said I want a Vespa motor scooter with side mirrors and chrome fenders. There was a magical sound and it was done.
Then the bear said I want all bears in the world to be female, except for me. There was a magical sound and it was done.
And the rabbit said I want the bear to be gay. And he got on his scooter and took off.
A traveling salesman stops in a small Midwestern town and sees a circus banner reading, Donít miss the Amazing Goldstein! He buys a ticket and after seeing the usual animal acts there is a fanfare. All eyes turn to the center ring. In the middle is a table with three walnuts on it. Then out walks a little old man, five feet tall. After shuffling to the table, the Amazing Goldstein unzips his pants and displays his exceptionally long penis to tumultuous applause.
Goldstein then proceeds to smash the walnuts with three swings of his prodigious member. The crowd erupts in a thunderous ovation as Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of cheering clowns.
Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and sees a faded sign for the same circus featuring the Amazing Goldstein. He canít believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act. Again he buys a ticket, sits through the warm up acts and then the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table. Old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his still amazing penis and the crowd goes crazy. The salesman requests a meeting with Goldstein after the show and tells him heís never seen anything like this act. But he wants to know why Goldstein is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts. "Well," says Goldstein, "My eyes arenít what they used to be!"
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, one guy says, ìI had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend just to be able to go fishing.î
The next guy said, ìThat is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new sun deck.î
The next guy said, ìMan, you have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen.î
They continue to fish and then realized the fourth guy has not said a word, so they asked him, ìWhat did you have to do to be able to come fishing this weekend?î
The fourth guy said, ìI just set my alarm for 5:30 A.M. When it went off, I slapped my wife on her butt and said, ëFishing or Sex?í and she said, ëWear sun-block.íî
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your Vasectomy.
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Three sisters live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in the water, stops and then yells downstairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs but pauses and yells "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good luck, then pauses and yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his philandering member in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Two old men were comparing their sex lives. Clarence said "I can still do it twice!" Roy asked
"Impressive, when's best for you?" Clarence thought and said "Winter."
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter says "Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein proceeds todescribe with arcane mathematics and symbols his general theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
Just then Picasso arrives. Saint Peter asks for proof Picasso is Picasso who then proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The three are standing there as George W. Bush appears. Saint Peter says "Einstein and Picasso easily proved their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. gave a bewildered look and said "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter said "Come on in, George."
A dedicated union member was at a convention in Las Vegas and went to the local brothels. At the first one, he asked "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
In support of his fellow workers he looked for a more equitable shop. But the next madame told him they had the same pay scale and arrangement. He finally found a brothel that was a union house and gave their workers 80 out of the 100 dollar fee. The union man looked around the room. There was a stunningly attractive young, sultry redhead and an 80 year old that looked more like 90. The man pointed at the redhead and said "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame "but Ethel here has seniority."
A husband came home drunk. His wife got out of bed, took one look at him and said "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?"
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
As a older man was driving down the freeway, answered his car phone and heard his wife's worried voice saying "Herman, I just heard on the radio there's some idiot driving a car the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!!!"
A husband knew his wife was having an affair with another man but could never prove it. One day he left work early and to try to catch her in the act. Just then his wife and her lover were undressing each other in the living room and luckily happened to notice the husband walking towards their apartment building. The husband got in the elevator and rode up to the 50th floor and as the doors opened he saw his naked wife pushing a naked man out of their apartment door.
Enraged the husband bolted across the hallway as the two lovers slammed the apartment door. Flustered, the man fumbled with his keys and finally got into the apartment. By the time he got in his wife was sitting on the couch acting as if nothing had happened. The husband demanded to know where the naked man was hiding but the wife insisted she didn't know what he was talking about.
The husband searched every room in the apartment but couldn't find the naked man anywhere. He ended up in the kitchen, crazed and frustrated and picked up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. Unfortunately the electrical cord wrapped around his ankle and dragged him out the window 50 floors down to the pavement below and a certain death.
At that instant three people appeared at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter asked the first man how he died and the man said his wife was having an affair, he knew her lover was hiding in their apartment but he couldn't find him and in anger he picked up the refrigerator and tossed it out the window, his foot got tangled in the cord and he and the refrigerator dropped 50 floors to his death. St. Peter asked the second man how he died and he said he was just walking by a 50 story apartment building when a man and a refrigerator came crashing down on him. St. Peter asked the third man, who was naked and shivering, how he died and he said, "I was just sitting in a refrigerator on the 50th floor of a 50 story apartment building..."
The following piece is not a joke but one of the most interesting, humorous, well-conceived things that I have read in a long time. I don't know where it came from or who wrote it but would love to find out so I could say "You really hit the ball hard (complimentary sports analogy) on this one," to the author. If you have any ideas where the following item came from please let me know.
The creator could have been a professional writer/comedian but my hope is that someone in accounting in some monolithic corporate entity took a little personal time at the company's expense and created this parody of a pleading-for-help-and-prayers chain letter and then passed it along to his/her fellow workers.
FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you foward this e-mail to NASA the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you foward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't foward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.
PS: I just got an email from Walt Disney Jr. He said that Mommy and I can get a trip to Disneyland if enough people forward this email. Please help me.
A woman hit her golf ball into the woods and found a frog caught in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes with the condition whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better."
For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him and..." The woman replied, "That will be okay." So, pouf - she became the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you and..." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine." So, poof, she became the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asks "Will you buy booze?"
The bum says "No."
The man asks "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum says "No."
Then the man says "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
A full-scholarship football player calls his friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
His friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The football player says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles and heads over to his friend's place. He studies the pieces spread out on the table for a moment, then studies the box and says "First, I'm not going to be able to show you how to make these pieces into the picture of that tiger and second, I'd advise you to put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A woman was looking at greeting cards for quite awhile, apparently not finding what she wanted. A clerk came over and asked if she needed help.
The woman thought for a second and sheepishly said, "Do you have any 'I'm sorry I laughed at the size of your dick' cards?"
The Seven Dwarfs knock on the door of a convent. Mother Superior answers and Doc asks her if there are any 3 foot nuns inside. Mother Superior gives him a funny look and says "No."
There is much whispering amongst the dwarfs and then Happy asks her if there are any 3 foot nuns in the country. Mother Superior answers no.
Grumpy politely asks her if there are any 3 foot nuns on the continent. The Mother Superior assures him that there are no 3 foot nuns on the continent.
Sleepy starts to ask a question and Mother Superior yells "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS ON THE PLANET. THERE ARE NO THREE FOOT NUNS ANYWHERE! NEVER HAVE BEEN ANY....EVER!"
The dwarfs all turn to Dopey and begin to chant "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"
A Mafia Godfather and his attorney are meeting with an accountant who has embezzled money from the mob. The Godfather demands to know where it is.
The attorney interrupts, "Godfather, remember, this man is a deaf mute. But I know sign language." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney says "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the accountant's head, and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney says "He claims you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Some children's books that never got published.....
"The wimp who didn't chase his ball across the street"
"You're never too young to Masturbate"
"Lets throw Rocks at Retards"
"The Shame Of Adoption."
"Let's Run Along The Highway"
"The Secret At The Bottom Of The Pool"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Whatever happened to the Little Sissy Who Snitched?"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Katie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"The Fallacy of Looking Both Ways Before You Cross the Street"
Men are like a fine wine- they all start out like grapes. It's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
A guy walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan."
A few minutes later, same thing, "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan."
This goes on for an hour awhile and finally the Bartender says, "Maybe you should pay before you get another drink."
And the guy said "Oops, the shit just hit the fan."
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation and notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts, I just meant to have a few."
"That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck off the chocolate."
A young man from Peking and a first generation Chinese American woman get married. On the wedding night he climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring, saying, "My darling, I know this is your first time and you must be frightened."
She says that is true but she will do anything he wants.
The groom says "Let's start with 69."
And she says, "You want broccoli with beef?"
An African diplomat was telling the new American ambassador about the Russians teaching them to play Russian roulette.
The African diplomat said we actually play our version. He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "Choose any one of these women to give you oral sex," he told the American.
The American ambassador said, "That's not Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is." The diplomat said. "One of them is a cannibal."
A ventriloquist is on-stage in a Southern nightclub. He's going through his usual stupid red-neck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart-ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid down here!"
The ventriloquist began to apologize, when the big guy says, "You stay out of this mister! I am talking to the little smart ass fella on your knee."
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a whitechild. The village is shocked and the chief says "You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies says, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look to the field.
See a flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature
does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say
anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid."
A doctor called a wife into the office after examining her husband and said "Your husband has a very severe disease probably induced by stress. Do the following or he will die: Fix him three healthy meals per day. He should relax and for the time being don't discuss your problems with him. And most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor told her and she said "You're going to die."
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.