March 27, 2017
Gun Totin' Feminist
I am the father of a daughter and have developed a bit of a personality paradox - I'm an ardent, reactionary, gun-totin' feminist. If anybody so much as considers denying my daughter an opportunity in life because she is female or compromise her life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness because she is a woman, even one iota, I'll put a cap in their ass.

My wife says my vigilante attitude is a bit extreme and impractical, but she's a lawyer and they too often error on the side not going to trial or prison.

Anyway, my point is that women should be allowed to join Augusta National Golf Course, and if the President of the club, Hootie Johnson, doesn't submit to the pressures being put on him, they should be forced to do so, by law. And to support this pan-gender equality effort, as an ardent feminist father, I am going to sue to join the Girl Scouts. Why? When I was a Boy Scout I always wanted to be in the Girl Scouts and they'd never let me and it was so unfair. Going to summer camp with the Boy Scouts was O.K. but after a day or two you realize, it's just all guys out here. There wasn't one girl around and you're stuck at this stupid camp for a whole week. What's the point of knowing how to shoot a bow and arrow or make a canoe out of tree bark if the only people that see you do it are guys?

Actually, upon more mature reflection, and as the father of a daughter, I think it's a bad idea for Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts to be in the same tent. Yet, I absolutely understand the ambition.

So, I understand why some women want to force their way into the Augusta National Country Club but I wish they wouldn't. Why? What would change at Augusta if one unwanted woman forces her way in? The token Black member would finally have someone to play with? Someone would finally say the famous Green Jacket they wear is the most embarrassing shade of green ever created? This is a stereotype I know, but I don't think a woman could wear a jacket that looks like it was, at one time, a pool table.

Joining Augusta is not the answer. What the LPGA and N.O.W. and Virginia Slims and Oprah Winfrey and anybody else who thinks Augusta should accept a woman member should do is build a new Augusta. Start your own club and course. Start your own Masters tournament. Don't join the Old. Start something new.

As much as I would love to play Augusta, just one time, I'd rather be a member of your new course. Why? Because that's where the girls are. And I could take my daughter. And you don't have to wear one of those awful, gaudy green jackets like they do at Augusta. (That's another reason I left the Boys Scouts. The uniform looked ridiculous.) Augusta is the past. You women should be the future. And when you invite me to play your new pan-gender Augusta, out of gratitude because it was my idea, make sure none of the caddies or pool boys chase after my daughter or I'll have to put a put a cap in their ass.