The self-censored un-aired Terry Shiavo piece
Our Fanatics are the Good Fanatics
The Bush administration has America fighting to install democracy in the Middle East so religious fanatics can't control the government... over there. But for the United States government it's OK to have religious fanatics running things because we... we can handle it. The religious fanatics over there get all nutty when they get into politics but in American politics our religious types would never do anything as crazy to suggest we force feed a human body incapable of simple thought or quality of life just to create a legal foundation for their future anti-abortion efforts. Thankfully, in America, that Frankenstinian nightmare could never happen.
Our pagan politicians, who obviously don't get it, say that's exactly what's conservatives are trying to do in the Terry Shiavo case. Well, you soul-less buffoons, you couldn't be more wrong. Not only do I believe the government should step in and keep Terry Shiavo alive, but I believe if they can't legislate or adjudicate a proper result the Republican Party should buy Terry Shiavo from her husband. If money is a problem they could cut some wasteful hot lunch program or pointless pre-natal care boondoggle. And if the Republicans don't want the government to spend the money I am sure Christian televangelists could go on the air and raise enough money that Terry Shiavo's husband would make the deal. Everyone has a price and if anybody can find out what that price is it's a Christian televangelist.
I support the Bush administration's efforts to keep every living thing alive by any means necessary, unless that living thing gets in the way of drilling for oil in Alaska or democracy in Iraq. Of course at that point we spare no expense in knocking the snot out of them, but otherwise let's keep humans who are incapable of any future happiness or perception of the world around them alive and well.
In fact, thanks to the Bush administration, in addition to handicap parking and wheelchair ramps one fine day we will have special sections in movie theaters for those in a persistent vegetative state. Who are we to say these people wouldn't enjoy the new Woody Allen film? Although considering their mental state... perhaps a Pauly Shore offering or something on FOX might be more appropriate...
And that day will come thanks to faith based politicians like Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist who is also a doctor, and unlike our pagan politicians Dr./Senator Bill Frist could tell from watching a videotape of Terry Shiavo something her own neurosurgeons, using CAT scans and highly sophisticated medical equipment could not... that Terry Shiavo represents a golden political opportunity to shore up support among the right to life wing of his party. Yes, the nay-sayers, the pagans say it's impossible for Dr./Senator Frist to diagnose neurological damage from a videotape, and that when a patient can't tell you where it hurts because they are brain dead that it's time to let nature take its course.
Well, Ladies and Gentleman God gave us brains to figure out how to sustain life beyond what God intended. The Bible is very clear on this-- Thou shalt not kill... unless oil or democracy in Iraq is involved. And praise the Lord we have some politicians who know when God wants them to follow the Bible and when He doesn't.
And you can only know that when you are talking to the one true God. As opposed to those fanatics over there who are talking to the wrong God and thus need democracy.