January 23, 2018
Disney Makes Us Eat Ourselves
By Tim Bedore 2003

My daughter is five and it's an unwritten rule in her pre-school that the kids invite all 22 of their classmates or none at all, to their birthday parties. I don't know who wrote that unwritten rule but I suspect Toys-R-Us.

So, we're at the Disney Store to buy yet another birthday gift for yet another birthday party. And of course my daughter, Claire, wants a toy, as well. I explained she only gets toys for her birthday and Christmas. I expected an argument, perhaps a minor meltdown, but she got it. She accepted what I said, and I was so proud of her... I bought her a toy. Alright, I'm an idiot.

But I got the cheapest thing they had. Disney knows today's parents are spineless wimps and so there's a bunch of 5 dollar-big-weinee-parent-pacify your kid and get the hell out of there items.

Claire wanted this battery operated, and how many things aren't these days, thing -- a handle with a Cinderella figurine on top. Cinderella has a hole in her head into which they've stuck a lollipop. And when you hit the button the lollipop spins around so our children won't have to go through the exhausting effort of twisting and sucking on the lollipop themselves. What a vigorous nation we have become! By the way, this is all part of Disney's plan to make children so lazy all they will want to do is sit home and watch Disney DVD's.

As adults, they won't clean their home unless they have a riding vacuum cleaner. "Oh, I can't push this vacuum all the way across the living room, it's too far."

When I was a kid we didn't have a riding lawn mower, we didn't even have a power mower. We had a push mower and not only did I have to cut our lawn, I had to cut the neighbor's lawn because they were old and we were Catholic. I said to my Dad, "If you're going to force me to do this much charity lawn work we need a power mower." He said, "I have four power mowers, you and your three brothers." Dad, was a laugh riot.

What's my point? When future anthropologists dig through our land fills and discover a Cinderella automatic lollipop dissolver there will be an "A ha" moment, just like when they figured out why those Anasazi Indians in the Southwest disappeared: they got too lazy to go out and hunt and ate whatever was around the housea[euro]" themselves. But as I help our culture cannibalize itself just like the Anasazi cannibalized their whole tribe I can feel good because, in the meantime, I'm doing my part to keep the economy chugging along.